Justin Bieber’s Defense: He’s Never Backstage

Justin Bieber (the baby on the left) was on Today this morning to whore his musical terrorist threat on Christmas and Matt Lauer asked about the allegations that he accidentally created an heir to his potty training throne (the baby in the middle) with a then 19-year-old trick named Mariah Yeater (seen on the right showing us what Bieber should’ve done 12 months ago in that stadium bathroom). Bieber denied it, because he never wrote a co-letter to the stork with that woman! Bieber wants to see the signed delivery slip from the stork who brought that baby!

Bieber’s real defense is that he’s never seen Mariah’s face before and he’s never backstage after a show long enough to do illegal 30-second sex times with anybody.

“I’d just like to say, basically, that none of those allegations are true. I know that I’m going to be a target, but I’m never going to be a victim. It’s crazy. Every night after the show I’m gone right from the stage right to the car, so it’s crazy that some people want to make such false allegations. To set the record straight, none of it is true. Never met the woman. Like I said before, there’s going to be goods and bads in the business.”

Mariah’s lawyers were on Dr. Drew’s HLN show last night where they basically said Justin needs to put $1 in the LIAR JAR, because he’s the only one who could be the father. They put it like this: “In the relevant time period, she wasn’t having sex with anyone else. That’s how we know Justin Bieber is, in fact, the father of the baby… we need the paternity test to verify that scientifically, 100-percent.”

Can’t Justin Bieber’s mommy promise to give him a green lollipop if he lets the doctors swab him as she holds his hand? They are dragging this shit out. It can all be solved with one swab. If Justin is the father, then he’ll have to move into the Witness Protection Program’s playpen since the Beliebers will turn on him and we’ll have to start teaching sex education in our pre-schools. If Justin isn’t the father, then Mariah’s voicemail box is going to be filled with angry coos for months to come. Either way, the streets will be covered with cunty toddlers out for blood, so we’ve all been warned.

via People

As The Beliebers Lose Their Half-Developed Minds…..

The Beliebers are sharpening their rattles into shanks, asking their parents to get them a PlaySkool gat for Christmas and turning grade school poems into adorable death threats, because one of their own has gone rogue by claiming that Justin Bieber knocked her up during 30-second not-so-sexy times in a backstage bathroom at one of his concerts. Buzzfeed put together the best death threat Tweets made by a bunch of Beliebers who really need a chancleta-wielding abuelita in their lives. Reading those Tweets is the best birth control, because who wants their child to join these baby-worshiping crazies as the future of humanity? My parts don’t even make ovaries and I’m about to shove an old school Depo Provera syringe up my asshole just in case. Moving on….

I guess Mariah Yeater’s 3-month-old son doesn’t have a Hasbro tag sticking out of his big toe and a preliminary DNA test could not confirm or deny that he’s half teddy bear, because her lawyers still want Justin Bieber to submit a sample. Lawyers for the 20-year-old crazy ho (seen in a bathroom and bedroom photo shoot below) tell Radar that they have every reason to believe that The Lesbeaver is the father of her child and the only way to prove this is with DNA. Justin’s lawyers deny that he ever even met her and he’s filing his own lawsuit against her for defamation. But Mariah’s pepaw, Eddie Markhouse, tells The NYDN that his granddaughter only does underage yodeling fetuses and she does not do lie-telling.

“I don’t know the whole story. But, from what I understood, she met him at a concert and he sent two security guards down off of the stage to bring her backstage to meet him. She said they partied, had some drinks and they indulged in sex … She’s basically an honest good person. She’s got a big heart. She’s a good kid and she loves this baby.”

Oh, I believe that Mariah feels nothing but love for her baby. If I had a child that I loved, I’d want to tell him that he was made when a drunk superstar toddler humped on me for half a minute in the dirty stall of some bathroom. Then I’d tell my baby that I didn’t sue his father for the money. I did it for the legal right to use his last name on the birth certificate. I mean, if Justin is the father, then Mariah’s baby’s last name will be: Yeater-Bieber. YEATER FUCKING BIEBER! Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner for the best hyphenated last name ever. Think about it. Grab your tongue and say Yeater-Bieber really fast. EAT. HER. BEAVER.

You are definitely not a loving and caring mother if you keep your child from having a last name like that.