Cameron Diaz Thinks All Women Have Thought About Scissoring Each Other

In today’s sermon from Cameron Diaz, the current Pastor of Pussylove United Church, we’ll be taking a break from talking about vaginas. Sadly, the Vagina Series has been put on a temporary hiatus until more comparisons to delicate flowers can be made (several regretful alternate metaphors were tossed around, including comparing the vagina to cheeseburgers and/or Popples). Instead, we’ll be focusing on Pastor Cammy’s theories on female sexuality, specifically the idea of when one woman’s Popple turns inside-out for another woman. When asked about whether she’s ever been attracted to another woman, Pastor Diaz told Glamour UK:

“I think women are beautiful – absolutely beautiful. And I think that all women have been sexually attracted to another woman at some point. It’s natural to have a connectivity and an appreciation for the beauty of other women.”

Normally, I err on the side of Pastor Cammy is Not Smart, but she’s kind of got a point. Personally, I’ve never felt compelled to finger-pop another woman’s Popple, but who knows? I’m still young (or at least, young-adjacent). Maybe one day I’ll see a chick in line at the grocery store buying 2 bags of Cool Ranch ‘Reets and a box of Theraflu, not giving a single fuck that she’s wearing leggings in public and that they’ve got a giant Diet Coke stain on them, and catch myself saying: “Daaaamn! Somebody better call Jesus and tell him an angel is missing from Dirtbag Heaven.” Even if I don’t wanna pop her Popple, I can at least appreciate her beauty.

Here’s more of Cameron Diaz trying to rub her Ya-Ya Sistersnatch up on Leslie Mann at CinemaCon 2014 (whatever the fuck that is) in Las Vegas. Cammy strikes me as the type who’s yoo-hoo is 24/7 horny, so I like to imagine her whispering into Leslie Mann’s ear: “You know what they say: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas! Did you know that I made a movie called What Happens in Vegas? Why don’t we go back up to my room and talk about that over a glass of wine and several hits of ecstasy?” And because this whole story has been pretty clam-heavy, it’s only fair that I also include some pictures of Damon Wayans Jr. and Jake Johnson at the same event dressed as hot cops:

Pics: Splash

“These Are The Only Reasons Why Anybody’s Going To Pay To See This Shit Show Of A Movie!”

On IMDB, the plot for Nick Cassavetes‘ The Other Woman reads like this:

After realizing she is not her boyfriend’s primary lover, a woman teams up with his wife and plots mutual revenge.

If the producers really want to make history by selling out the entire run of their movie before it even hits theaters, they should update the plot to read:

KATE UPTON’S TITS BOUNCE IN THIS!

The Other Woman stars Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Kate Upton, Taylor Kinney and Nicki Minaj, and Cameron probably thinks that she’s finally going to get top billing again since she’s the biggest star in that cast, but sorry, trick. Kate Upton’s chichis are totally getting top, bottom and middle billing.

Because Nick Cassavetes knows what’s really going to sell his movie, he shot a trampoline scene with Kate, Cameron and Leslie in the Hamptons yesterday. I love how Leslie and Cameron are acting like their parts are really going to end up in the final cut. They should just stand there and file their nails while not giving a hell, because the cutting room floor is where there parts are going to end up. My guess is that Kate Upton plays a character who works as a trampoline trainer/car washer/t-shirt tester/rainstorm marathon runner. So one percent of the movie will be Cameron and the cast talking about how glorious Kate’s tits are and the rest of the movie will be Kate jumping on a trampoline, washing a car in a bikini, testing wet t-shirts and running marathons in the rain. And to avoid that whole chafed nipple thing, Kate will run topless.

Kate’s chichis aren’t as nearly as magnificent as Christina Hendrick’s, but they’re still spectacular. They’re so spectacular that every hour on the hour, a head will pop out from Kate’s side to look at her chichis and say, “Damn, those are spectacular!”

She’s got her own chichi cuckoo clock. And yeah, they might as well rename the movie Kate Upton’s Chichis (and the other woman aka Cameron Diaz).