Dancing With La Toya

Ever since Michael Jackson moonwalked off to heaven, La Toya’s vagina has grabbed on to the giant dildo known as fame and hasn’t let go. AND SHE NEVER WILL! Toy Toy is back (insert dick slappy dance or groan here).

UsWeekly says that La Toya might take a break from solving the world’s greatest mysteries to jiggle her bought-and-paid-for chichis on Dancing with the Has-Beens this season. Apparently, the producers offered her a spot on the show and now she’s “in talks.”

Toy Toy’s rep would only said, “She’s a big fan of the show, and being from a musical family, it would be a good fit.”

ABC will announce the entire cast this Monday morning, but it’s rumored that Ceiling Eyes, Vera Wang, Dean McDermott and Lou Ferrigno have either signed on already or are close to signing.

This is going to be good. Let’s take bets on how many “Tributes to MJ” Toy Toy is going to do. Can’t wait to see her tango to “Thriller” and her quick step to “Working Day and Night.”

And if you’re thinking to yourself, “but La Toya isn’t a star,” shut those thoughts up! Of course, Toy Toy is a star! Just look at this video below of her performing at a sold-out concert……at a bar….. in Slovenia. Okay, and it wasn’t really sold out. There were 12 people there….and 3 goats.

La Toya Jackson Knows How To Dress

Right before his death Michael Jackson was working on a clothing line with of all people, clothier to douchebags Christian Audigier. Last night, La Toya Jackson took a break from getting to the bottom of EVERYTHING to have dinner with Christian at Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills. Does this mean that a La Toya Jackson clothing line is upon us?! REJOICE! Just from peeping at La Toya’s elegant ensemble, I know shis is good news. The world needs a clothing line for Barstow pussy peddlers turned Reno strippers turned Texas trophy wives turned Boca retirees.

La Toya’s Tribute To Michael

La Toya Jackson took a little time out from getting to the bottom of EVERYTHING to release a tribute song for her brother Michael Jackson. La Toya recorded the song before her brother’s death and had originally planned to dedicate it to her entire family (cut to Joe Jackson raising one of his brows). You can download “Home” on iTunes starting July 28th.

All proceeds from the sale of the single will go to The Make La Toya Relevant Fund. Jokes. La Toya will donate every single penny to AIDS Project LA, which was a charity Michael supported.

Apparently, La Toya will not take off her deerstalker cap or put down her magnifying glass to promote or market the single.

Maybe it’s because I have a soft spot for songs that sound like they should be sung by cartoon princesses trapped in towers, but I actually like this (?). I can also blame the entire box of mini powdered donuts I just swallowed whole. Ask me tomorrow when the sugar drunks wears off.

VIA The Examiner

La Toya Was Right (Maybe)

La Toya Jackson gave an interview to the Daily Mail over the weekend where she said that she really believes her brother was murdered. La Toya said that she’s going to watch several episodes of Father Dowling Mysteries, take notes and then get to the bottom of everything. Well, La Toya might have been right, because TMZ says that the LAPD is treating Michael’s death as a homicide.

Sources within the LAPD say that the investigators are focusing on one of Michael’s doctor, Dr. Conrad Murray. Apparently, there is evidence that Dr. Murray gave Michael the anesthesia Propofol which was the primary cause of his death. The evidence includes vials of Propofol founds in the house along with an oxygen stand and IV stand. Dr. Murray’s lawyer refused to say one word about the allegations.

From here on out, I will never doubt La Toya again.

La Toya Jackson Is Going To Get To The Bottom Of Everything!

It’s time for the latest episode of Murder She Wrote with special guest star La Toya Jackson! But I have a feeling Angela Lansbury does not want to be a part of this.

La Toya thinks her brother was murdered by his “shadowy entourage” and went off to tell the Daily Mail all about it. Sigh. La Toya should be volunteering her investigative skills (!!!!) to the L.A.P.D. and not talking to the press.

La Toya thinks that the evil doers believed that Michael was worth more money dead than alive, so they got him hooked on the bad shit. La Toya said, “I believe Michael was murdered. I felt that from the start. Not just one person was involved, rather it was a conspiracy of people. He was surrounded by a bad circle. Michael was a very meek, quiet, loving person. People took advantage of that. People fought to be close to him, people who weren’t always on his side. They got him hooked on drugs. He was pure and clean and then drugs came back into his system. I think it shocked his system so much it killed him. He had needle marks on his neck and on his arms and more about those will emerge in the next few weeks. I cannot discuss that any further as I may jeopardize the investigation. I can, however, say that I have not changed my mind about my feeling that Michael was murdered. It will all come out. You will be shocked.”

LaToya says that there was no way Michael would have been able to perform 50 concerts in London. Michael was too weak and fragile, but the evil doers in his life were making him do it. Whenever his family would call, they would not tell him. They would do anything they could to keep his family away.

As for Michael’s kids, La Toya is ready to knife fight Debbie Rowe (with cameras rolling, of course) to make sure Katherine Jackson gets custody. La Toya went on, “These are not Debbie’s kids. They don’t even know she’s their mother. Like everyone else in his life, she was motivated by money. She has always said she’s not their mother. My understanding is that she will now go after the kids. I know a few things about Debbie, and I will prevent that from happening.”

Herm. I wonder what dirt La Toya has on Debbie? Debbie totally tried to tickle La Toya’s pussy puff one night, right? La Toya is saving that drop of Clamato for her next tell-all.

According to La Toya, Blanket is not related to Michael at all, “They took eggs from a donor and I believe the sperm came from one of five donors picked from a book. Michael didn’t know who the mother and father were. I don’t know who carried the child and if the surrogate knew whose child she was carrying.”

La Toya ended the interview by saying that her family will file civil lawsuits against anybody who supplied her brother with drugs, “I am going to get down to the bottom of this. I am not going to stop until I find out who is responsible. Why did they keep the family away? It’s not about money. I want justice for Michael. I won’t rest until I find out what — and who — killed my brother.”

Why do I have a sinking feeling (it could be the Mexican dick I had last night) that Vh1 is thisclose to announcing their newest reality show: The La Toya Ladies Detective Agency.

It’s still hard for me to fully hate on La Toya, because she has blessed the world with sparkly gems like this: