Brit Brit’s Cheetolets Are Going On Tour!

KFed and Daddy Spears have both taken out their chewed up Bic pens and signed an agreement which states Brit Brit can take her lil’ Frapp dumplings on the road with her. The whole show was in danger of being sent to the graveyard, because Brit Brit refused to do that shit unless her baby friends came along to entertain her. Nobody laughs at her jokes or understands her deep meaningful stories the way they do.

TMZ says everything will go on as previously planned. Daddy Spears will set up hillbilly mansions in New Jersey, Los Angeles and New Orleans. Brit Brit will travel to each joint in between shows. KFed will also get his own house in New Jersey and New Orleans.

So what does greedy ass KFed get out of all of this? He gets $5k a week for doing shit! Basically, he can stay at home, sniff at his skidmarks and ponder why Arnold Jackson on Diff’rent Strokes never fully grew.

The new agreement also gives Brit Brit 50/50 custody. Brit will get the kiddies 3 days and nights a week. During certain weeks, she even gets them longer than KFed. That shit will remain in effect after the tour ends.

It’s good to be KFed. Renting his kids out has paid off. Shit. For $5k a week, I would use all my powers of imagination to picture Brit Brit as Mah Boo Anderson Cooper so that I could stick it in her possum pie and give her little Cheetolets.

Dollars Are Always Raining On KFed

KFed and his girl piece, who always looks like she’s on her way to high school volleyball practice, left a bowling alley last night and found their SUV covered in dollars. That skanky ass SUV was probably selling $1 blow jobs in the parking lot. It fucks for money just like its owner.

Seriously, the paps thought it was be really heeeeeelarious to throw some dollar bills on KFed’s windshield. Those pappies must be Richie Riches, because I don’t know who is throwing bills around like that in this economy.

You know KFed drove to the nearest MACDonald’s (that’s what my mom calls it) and bought everything on the dollar menu times two. He might have bought his girlfriend something too. He really should have taken that money to buy some damn clothes so he can quite stealing shit from Queen Latifah’s closet.

Brit Brit’s Cheetolings Are Spying On Daddy’s New Ho

K-WellFed is boning some broad named Victoria Prince and Brit Brit has dispatched her pair of Cheetolings to spy on the two. You know Brit Brit gave SPF and JJ the codenames La Choy and Bacos.

A source told The National Enquirer (via SS) that Brit Brit told Agent La Choy and Agent Bacos to tell her what Victoria is like and if she spends the night. The source went on to say, “She has also asked her bodyguards to milk information out of Kevin’s bodyguards and quizzed his nanny and friends. She’s been texting people, asking what’s up with him and Victoria.”

K-WellFed might know what’s up, because according to some skanks he loves it when Brit Brit wants him back.

Yeah, right. He doesn’t know shit! Look at the picture above. He has no idea that Agent La Choy and Agent Bacos are hiding under his triple-XL bull dyke shorts. They are making Mama Cheetos proud.

Here’s K-WellFed and that Victoria ho going bowling in Los Angeles the other night.

KFed Breaks His Silence And Puts Us To Sleep

It’s Cheeto hillbilly week and KFed wants to get in on the action. Since Brit Brit is starting to look a little saner (sort of), KFed decided he needed to look even saner. In this week’s People Magazine, the perfect dad (*eye roll to the left and right*) talks about his life with Brit and in doing so, he made my eyelids heavy and my head drowsy. Seriously, you’re going to need a little speed shot with your coffee in order to get through this shit. I think I sort of fell into a slight coma at the end. You might want to have an adrenaline shot standing by.

I’ve picked out a few quotes that aren’t completely coma-inducing.

KFed on what went wrong with his marriage to our little Cheetoling:

It’s hard enough to be in a marriage, and then have a kid, then kids, it changes everything. For me, I’d become more concerned with my children. Not that I ignored Britney, but my kids are always most important … I mean, we were having complications. I didn’t give her an ultimatum, but I was trying to work stuff out with her, and she didn’t even talk to me or anything and went behind my back and filed [for divorce]. [I was] completely blindsided.

KFed on bitches thinking he only wanted custody of the kids for cash reasons:

My first question to [my lawyer] was, “Am I ever going to be able to see my children?” I told him that I would spend every last dime that I had to make sure that my children are okay. That’s all that mattered. I didn’t know how much power Britney had. That really scared me.

KFed on the night that Brit lost her Cheetos and was throw into the loony bin (awww, memories):

That whole night is a blur. You want to talk about one of my lowest points of depression, that was probably one of them. I was very, very worried for her ’cause I care about her. That’s the mother of my children. Just because I’m not in love with her doesn’t mean that I don’t love her. I’m definitely rooting for her. There’s nothing more that I want than for her to be in the best health and doing what she loves to do.

Yes, KFed! You’re the father of the millennium! Everyone should hand their kids over to you, because you do it best.

What pisses me off is that People didn’t ask him the most important question of all questions: will there be a follow-up to Popozao? It’s not like the bitch is doing anything, but eating (obviously). He can take the money he made from this boring ass interview and produce a sequel! And I’m sure he can channel some of that raw emotion he felt when Brit Brit divorced his ass to put together some extremely powerful.

People also should have asked him to name his other kids. You know, the ones he doesn’t get paid to take care of. He would’ve uttered a few dozen “ums” and finally just blurted out “POPOZAO!”

Will Fight For Fame

Are you effing kidding me? Celebrity boxing is so 2002.

OK! Magazine claims Michael Lohan intends to challenge K-Fed to a boxing match. Michael tells OK! “Everyone wants me to fight K-fed because he’s a notorious celebrity dad and so am I. It’s for charity.”

Why did it have to be a boxing match? Why couldn’t it have been who has the beadiest eyes match? Or who can fuck their family member out of the most money match. Or who has the worst shit eating grin match. Hell, make a sport of it, best two out of three.

Michael goes on to say “It’s serious boxing. You have to go get a trainer. I have to register with the Mature Boxing Association.”

C’mon who are you trying to kid, we both know you two are a bunch of pussies. You couldn’t box your way out of a paper bag, even if you had an ice pick. I swear to god, if I have to see another has-been celebrity boxing match I’m gonna kick both their asses myself. Let’s be real though. They would raise a fist at me and I would run off screaming like Gay Al getting double fisted with no lube.

Remember Vanilla Ice and Todd Bridges? Yeah, old ‘nilla got his ass owned. But this fight wouldn’t have a clear winner, it would be like watching slow douchebags fighting over an old bus schedule.

Besides, didn’t two fuckers get into legal trouble for video taping bum fights? If K-Fed fights as well has he raps (or wrestles), he’s gonna get murdered.

Life Is Good For KFed

When is KFed going to stop dressing like Rosie O’Donnell! It sickens me that I find him hot.

KFed showed up to the X Games Celebrity Skins Classic yesterday to play a round of douche golf. Kendra Wilkinson was there, so this was definitely a game of d-bag golf. KFed told People that his life is just peachy, “Been having a good summer, I can’t complain. I’ve worked here and there a little bit. Definitely staying at home with the family.”

There he goes talking about that “work” thing again! Nobody is buying it. Spending all day trying to pop corn with your cell phone is hardly work.

When asked about when his follow-up to amazing rap masterpiece “Playing with Fire” is coming out, he said, “I don’t know, I’m going to make everybody wait on that.” Who’s this “everybody” he’s talking about?

KFed also took a moment to check on his kids during the event. That’s what he told the photographers anyway. He was probably just checking on his bank account. Same thing, actually.