This Shit Is Finally Over (For Now)

This is just an excuse to post another picture of Dollhouse Dude. He was my favorite part of this whole Brit/KFed custody fiasco. Dollhouse Dude is looking so…..sad. This bitch needs help! Ty Pennington and Fisher Price should team up to give him a makeover. He also might need help from Habitat for Humanity. Dollhouse Dude is going to be without a dollhouse soon. Sad. I’d send him mine, but I’m really attached to it. It’s my favorite Sunday afternoon activity. Play with my dollhouse while getting plastered.

Anyway, the Brit and KFed custody battle is officially over for now. Yesterday, Commissioner Gordon signed off on the custody agreement. KFed gets sole custody of SPF and JJ with Brit Brit getting visitation rights. She currently has one sleepover per week and will get another one before the end of the year.

KFed will get $20,000 a month in child support. He used to get $15,000. Brit also has to pay off his $250,000 legal bill. Daddy Spears, who is in charge of her ass until July 31st, agreed to the settlement.

Brit Brit will probably ask for 50/50 custody once the conservatorship ends.

Damn, KFed and his attorneys probably celebrated with whores, hot wings and Henny. $250,000? I really should have been a lawyer. Too bad I hate wearing a suit. Seriously, lawyers might be happier if they could wear shorts and t-shirts to work. The only bitch that should be allowed to wear a suit is Rojo Caliente. She makes it looks effortless.

OK! Magazine asked KFed’s lawyer why he needed the $5,000 a month increase and his lawyer said, “He’s trying to contribute as much [of his own money] as he can. It’s never been about the money.” Cue laugh track.

More Money For KFed!

Not only did Brit Brit sign over sole custody of SPF and JJ to KFed, but she has also agreed to pay his ass $20,000 a month in child support. He used to get $15,000 a month. He got a raise! $200 for the kids and $19,800 for him! Kids only need a box of animal crackers and a couple of Crayolas.

People reports that KFed’s lawyer will also get $250,000 from Brit Brit for his work on the custody case.

So what does Brit Brit get in return? Peace and quiet! She can finally enjoy her glass of Boones Farms without some annoying ass kid tugging at her sweatpants, complaining about how hungry he is. Seriously, Brit got more visitations and an extra overnight. A source told E! that once the conservatorship of her estate ends, she will ask the court for 50/50.

The settlement papers haven’t been filed, but it’s pretty much a done deal. They were supposed to go to trial and now that’s not going to happen.

Brit’s lawyer said, “It was a victory for the whole family that they don’t have to go to a trial.” It’s not a victory for us. Brit Brit and KFed’s courtroom drama was going to be my summer guilty pleasure. What about the hours of entertainment we were going to get from that trial? What about us?! They are so selfish!

You know KFed is popping the Alize and Henny tonight.

Has The Cheeto War Finally Ended?

OK! Magazine claims that the child custody war between Brit Brit and KFed has finally come to an end after ten million years or something like that. KFed’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, said they signed and agreed to a settlement last night.

Brit Brit said “fuck it” and gave up full custody to KFed. Mark said, “At about 8 p.m. PT, a final settlement in the Kevin Federline-Britney Spears custody case was signed. All parties have agreed to the following: Kevin will retain sole legal and physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney will continue to have visitation rights which may increase over time. The agreement will be presented to the court in the morning for approval by the commissioner. Kevin is ecstatic and the boys are thriving.”

I totally want to see Brit Brit’s signature on that shit. Do you think she dots her i’s with a Chester Cheeto paw or a heart with a sad face in it? KFed totally signs it “KFED 4 Lifez.”

And the boys are thriving? Upon hearing the news, SPF and JJ just shrugged their shoulders, rolled their eyes and said, “As long as we have our Purple DRANK, we don’t give a fuckity fuck! Blimey!” They learned “blimey” from their mommy. They learned “fuckity fuck” from their daddy.

Kevin is ecstatic because that means more cash, which means more weed. Correction, which means BETTER weed. Smoke out at KFed’s tonight!

I would normally say to expect a gas station breakdown from Brit Brit any minute now, but that’s not going to happen. Bitch is too drugged up for that kind of nonsense and daddy has her on a toddler leash. Is it wrong that this makes me sad? Oh how I miss the days of Venti Frapps with extra whipped cream and late-night beef jerky runs. Sigh…..

Oh well, Brit! Just do like my family members do. When the state takes away their kids, they just have new ones!

A Royal Douche In Miami

Why the hell did KFed raid Queen Latifah’s closet. This dumb bitch looks like a bull dyke going to the beach. He’s covering up his moobs and his “gut over bagina.” And to think, there was a time when I’d let KFed piss in my ear. Not anymore! Okay, maybe after a few bong hits.

So… KFed traveled to Miami this weekend following his custody bitch battle with Brit Brit. Don’t worry, London is taking care of SPF and JJ.

KFed partied at Mansion in South Beach where he danced the night away until 4am. One witness told People, “Kevin is a great dancer with some very complicated moves.” Complicated moves?! I’d hardly call the “cabbage patch” and “the running man” complicated dance moves.

Even though he was partying like a first-class douche, KFed had music on his mind. Yes, music.

A source told People that KFed is working on new material, “Kevin was in a great mood and even talked about a new song he is working on, called ‘Daddy’s Home.’ He has put a lot of time and effort into writing and rehearsing it, but says it is not quite ready yet.”

Daddy’s Homo is more like it. KFed should really quit while he’s ahead. He’s never going to top the hip-hop masterpiece known as “Popozao.”

Break Out The Cheetos!

KFed and Brit Brit’s never-ending custody battle is going to trial! Yesterday, both of their lawyers spent the entire day trying to figure out a custody arrangement both hos would be happy with. Please, you know the lawyers spent their time playing “spin the Cheeto” and doing Purple Drank body shots off each other. They’ve been influenced by KFed and Brit Brit!

KFed’s attorney told E!, “The mediation didn’t result in an agreement that would avoid the trial set in August … The mood was comfortable, positive and it was a mood that was consistent with opening at least a great dialogue, which is necessary.”

KFed wants sole and legal custody of SPF and JJ with Brit getting visitation rights. KFed’s attorney went on to say, “If the existing arrangement was acceptable to both parties … we wouldn’t have to go to trial.”

The Cheeto vs. Digweed trial is set to begin August 25th. The final custody ruling could last several years. This shit will never end!

Can’t they just put SPF and JJ on the stand and ask them what they want. They’d probably say, “We go live with Chester the Cheetah.”

VIA People

KFed Wishes

File this under: In KFed’s Bong Dreams. InTouch is reporting that KFed has been offered seven-figures to be the new face of the Christopher Brian Collection. Chris Stokes, co-owner of the line, said, “We feel Kevin would be a great model for the line.”

A source said that KFed hasn’t officially signed on because he’s busy with other projects right now. Source said, “Kevin is also working with Chris on his music and movie career.”

Music and movies?! Please, KFed doesn’t have the time right now because he’s this close to finishing Grand Theft Auto IV. He’s stuck on the last mission, but when he completes that, he’ll be ready to accept new projects.

Seriously, nobody’s going to pay this stoner douche seven-figures! I think the source got it wrong. They are going to give him 7 ounces of digweed. They are getting ripped off, because KFed will do it for 1 ounce.