Beauty and Good Taste Abound At the Bad Grandpa Premiere

Yeah, I’ll look straight into your eyes and lie to your faces this early in the morning. I’m on my third cup of coffee, have the house to myself and have slightly less than half a fuck to give. “Good taste” and anything related to the Jackass franchise go together about as good as a shot of Jägermeister thrown into a Purple Nurple (DON’T DO IT! That shit is potent and will get you and your boss kicked out of Bennigan’s- trust) and last night’s offerings by Bad Grandpa‘s director Jeff Tremaine and star Georgina Cates offer more proof than that Jäger shot.

Jeff‘s suit is made of the same material that haunts the dreams of every bridesmaid and looks like something Harvey “Two Face” Dent would cut in half and wear when pledging a fraternity. It’s so distracting I almost missed Johnny Knoxville’s deliberate fashion choice of only wearing one glove in case he had to duck behind a curtain somewhere and jack off a stallion. I still would, though. Twice.

Those two pale in comparison to the real star of this shitshow- Georgina Cates. I’m getting some serious Hooker Smurf vibes from the beanie, straight down the flare legged denim jumpsuit to the platform heels. She copped a squat on the red carpet, probably to save her strength in case Gargamel comes by later and offers $20 for a blowie. All I know is that nothing screams class and elegance like a chest tattoo on a woman, especially if it’s written en français in a font I can only imagine is called “Ah, fuck it, second one down I guess” on the list hanging on the wall of her tattoo parlor.

Also pictured are Spike Jonze, Tony Hawk, and Jackson Nicoll (obviously making his parents proud by making faces and trying to junk-punch Johnny in his Knoxvilles).

(Pics: Wenn.com)

Everyone Is Popping Out A Baby

The carbon footprints of Johnny Knoxville and Tori Spelling grew a couple of sizes (yes, I’ve been listening to the hot environmentalist dude screaming shit at me on the street again), because they’re both getting pissed in the face and shat on the hands by a brand new newborn baby friend. (Or depending on their new babies’ aim, they’re getting shat in the face and pissed on the hands.)

People reports that Johnny Knoxville’s wife Naomi Nelson birthed out their second child, a daughter they named Arlo Clapp, on October 6th. Johnny and Naomi have an almost 2-year-old son named Rocko Akira Clapp and he has a 15-year-old daughter named Madison from a previous marriage. Rocko Akira Clapp sounds like the name of an STD you can only get from an anime character, but I actually sort of like the name Arlo. If babies started falling from the sky and I caught a daughter, I’d probably name her Ewan Danger Girl, but I’d think about naming her Arlo for a quick second. I can’t wait to see little Arlo Clapp swallow a goldfish and then barf it up during her Jackass baptism.

People also reports that the forever pregnant pug monster Tori Spelling and her creeper-faced husband Dean McDermott welcomed their newest cast member yesterday in L.A.

Tori Twatted this out today:

“Our family’s so happy 2 announce [that on] 10/10/11 [our] baby girl Hattie Margaret McDermott was born at 7:08am! Xoxo.”

Hattie is Tori and Dean’s third kid together and he has a son with his first ex-wife.

There’s only one Hattie McD and that’s Hattie McDaniel! I’m sure Baby Hattie McDermott knows this and will use all the money she makes from being whored out in reality show after reality show to change her name. Besides, put on your playground bully hat (mine doesn’t come off, I know) and think of all the names that rhyme with Hattie. If only my mom thought of this, I wouldn’t have gone through the 7th grade being called Dyke-el Gay.