If the show Oz taught me anything, it’s that Christopher Meloni’s bare ass is a muscled-up wonder that should be declared a national memorial. (I would totally go on a long, gross road trip if it meant that I could pay a visit to Christopher Meloni’s ass in between visiting Mount Rushmore and the Coronado National Memorial.) But Oz also taught me that being a convicted child toucher in prison is like being the most unpopular kid in a school full of ragey criminals who have spent hours chiseling a plastic toothbrush into a shank and can’t wait to use it. It’s hell. Not only do you have to deal with Mama June trying to woo you by sending spread-eagled pictures of her beautimous nakedness, but you also have to pick up your horse teeth off of the prison yard ground after a pedo-hating pepaw takes you to WhoopAPedoVille.
Back in August, PedoBear’s favorite caterer Jared Fogle pleaded guilty to receiving child porn and “repeatedly having sex with minors.” As part of the plea deal, Jared agreed to serve at least 5 years in prison and prosecutors agreed that they’d ask the judge for no more than 12 and a half years. But ultimately, it was up to the judge to decide. Jared lawyers pretty much grasped at straws during the sentencing hearing to try and keep him from getting hit with the maximum sentence. They said that Jared had a “mild pedophilia” issue, because he was mostly “attracted” to teenagers and not little children. To paraphrase Whoopi Goldberg, they said that Jared’s not a PEDO pedo.
A psychiatrist also testified for the defense and said that Jared started really acting out on his pedo thoughts when he went on the Subway Diet and started to lose some chunk. The psychiatrist said that Jared replaced overeating with nasty pedo stuff. But just to be sure, you should stay away from Subway turkey subs, because they’ll give you a craving for child porn. Quiznos is totally going to use that: “Yeah, our subs will make you fat, but at least they won’t make you want to diddle kids!”
“Once he lost weight, it seemed as though in a short time he had hyper-sexuality,” forensic psychiatrist John Bradford testified for the defense at Fogle’s sentencing Thursday morning in Indianapolis. “There are brain disorders that can be associated with sexual drive.”
Surprisingly, the Subway Diet defense didn’t work. Today, U.S. District Judge Tanya Walton Pratt slapped Jared with the maximum sentence and then some. NPR says that Judge Tanya sentenced him to 15.6 years in prison. He’ll have to be locked up for 13 years before he asks for parole and once he gets out, he can’t have any unsupervised contact with kids. But he can see his own.
Jared also has to pay over a million dollars to 10 of his victims.
Judge Tanya not only won hearts by giving him more than the maximum, but she won my heart during the hearing. When the dried drop of smegma cried about how much he hurt his wife, Judge Tanya stopped him to say:
“You gave your wife almost $7 million though. She’ll be OK.”
Judge Tanya then dropped the
mic gavel, whipped her robe around and exited stage left.
It’s Pat’s child-touching nasty third cousin Jared Fogle (aka the worst thing to come out of Subway, which is saying a lot if you’ve ever gotten the tsunami shits from one of their foot-longs) took a plea deal last August to avoid a trial. The AP says that as part of his guilty plea, Subway Jared had to pay 10 of his victims $1 million. No, he didn’t pay them $1 million each. He paid each of them only $100,000, which will probably barely cover all the therapy they’ll need.
Back in August, Jared agreed to plead guilty to one count each of traveling to “engage in illicit sexual conduct with a minor” and passing out and receiving child porn. His sentencing is set to go down on November 19th, and he’ll get at least 5 years in the clink, but won’t get more than 12 1/2 years in the clink. 10 of his victims have already gotten a $100,000 check and 4 additional victims will shortly get the same. Prosecutors say that victims getting restitution before sentencing almost never ever happens.
The $100,000 checks were hand-delivered to each of the 10 victims or their parents over the last several weeks, with each signing a form saying they had received the money and that it is intended to benefit that particular victim, Assistant U.S. Attorney Steven DeBrota told The Associated Press on Thursday.
DeBrota said he’s handled only one other case in which restitution was paid to victims before sentencing in nearly a quarter-century of prosecuting child porn cases.
Before the world found out about Subway Jared’s pedo ways, his net worth was reportedly $15 million. But after paying lawyers, his victims and his soon-to-be ex-wife, he’ll probably be as broke as my bowels after I made the mistake of eating a choco walnut brownie from Subway. If this piece of trash really did make $15 million from Subway, the receptionist at their headquarters should expect Mama June to wobble up to the desk and say, “I heard y’all were hiring a new spokesperson and I also heard y’all don’t do backgrounds checks.”
Perverted sandwich huckster Jared Fogle will be experiencing a new type of $5 foot-long in the U.S. prison system. TMZ and ABC News are reporting that Subway’s body beautiful will cop a plea deal today in Indianapolis which will include jail time. It turns out Jared IS Pedo Bear’s nerdy cousin. Federal prosecutors have stated that he’s going to be charged with paying for sex acts with minors and “receiving child pornography that he knew had been secretly produced by the former director of his charitable foundation.” The FBI raided Jared’s Zionsville, ID home last month with warrants looking for kiddie porn, leaving with computers and DVDs. I guess they found some. Gross.
ABC sez that the Feds have agreed not to seek a prison sentence of more than 12 1/2 years. He’s agreed not to seek less than five in the chokey. He’s also going to have to pay 1.4 million in restitution, register as a sex offender, and undergo treatment for sexual disorders.
This is another one of those lengthy posts full of the worst humanity has to offer. Apologies in advance.
Do I have time to drive the hour and a half to visit my mom so she can give me a reassuring hug and tell me it’s going to be ok before I blog about this nasty mess? Maybe she can make a roast beef, too. That’s always comforting. The FBI have reportedly subpoenaed an affidavit containing texts between Jared Fogle and a former Subway franchise owner in which he claims to have paid a 16-year-old for sex. Even Tyga just made an appalled face.
According to Business Insider, the former franchise’s attorney is the one spilling the tea. Jared and the Subway owner were supposedly in a sexual relationship when they exchanged some really fucked-up sexts in the spring and summer of 2008.
Jared urged the anonymous woman in question to sell her ass on Craigslist for $500 a pop and to let him watch. Worse, he urged her to hook him up with her underaged (at the time) cousin.