Oh, It’s Just Miley Cyrus Flashing Her Fur-Covered Cooter For V Magazine

Amateur hillbilly stripper chipmunk Miley Cyrus is on the cover of V Magazine’s “Rebel Issue”, which sort of makes sense, since she’s damn near re-wrote every chapter in the book of Former Disney Ho Rebellion. Slutty shower pics? Check. Smoking drugs? Check. Humping everything that moves? Check. More drugs? Oh, you betcha. The issue doesn’t come out until September 10th, but V Magazine decided to tease the cover a little early, because who wouldn’t want to see Miley laying on a pile of stuffed animals dressed like Beast Man’s skanky glue-sniffing half-sister?

But who’s responsible for this busted bowling alley claw game mess? Why that would be kunty tastemaker Karl Lagerfeld. Karl shot Miley and her Muppet fur-covered pork rinds for the cover, and it’s actually not the worst. Sure, it kind of looks like she’s posing for a sleazy ad that would run in the back pages of Sesame Street’s weekly free newspaper and, sure, that shark is giving “Help Me” eyes, but at least he managed to keep her clothes on, right?

Oh, for fucks sakes! As usual, I spoke too soon. It appears that Karl Lagerfeld also took a picture of Miley reaching for a slice of poontang pie with her backwoods pudding balloons out, because of course he did! It probably wasn’t even his choice! I bet Karl was all ready to pack up his shit when a naked-ass Miley lept in front of the door like a freon-huffing gazelle and hollered “Where do you think you’re going, Gay Dracula? We ain’t even done no nudes yet!”. Meanwhile, cut to that pile of stuffed animals all silently wishing for the incinerator from Toy Story 3.

Pics: Instagram, ONTD

You Can Take The Hillbilly Chipmunk Out Of The Country….

Even though Miley Cyrus is a former A-list Disney child star turned current world-touring drug-gobbling coochie-poppin millionaire, and the daughter of a cultural icon (I’m of course referring to horse-faced hyacinth blossom Tish Cyrus), she’s always more than happy to remind us that she’s just a G-droppin’ banjo-pickin’ chicken-fried Mountain Dew-dipped down-home hillbilly river rat at heart. This weekend, Miley attended a hillbilly hootenanny in the woods with her ol’ pal (literally, too old to be hanging out with her ass) Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips where they dressed up like meth-smoking hicks and got drunk on moonshine. And of course, Miley made sure to Instagram all of it, including a picture of her pissing on a tree. Thank god! I’ve always been curious about what the glue-huffing dirtbag teenage son of the Blair Witch looked like.

But Miley’s “Ah is so cuntry, y’all!” act didn’t end with marking her territory against an oak tree in a pair of cut-offs. No, Miley managed to one-up her own faux-hillbilly self by adopting a pet pig that she named Bubba Sue. Continue reading

It’s Like Hannah Montana’s Hillbilly Cousin, Meth Virgina

If this isn’t some lost footage from an MTV Unplugged starring a young Jerri Blank, then I don’t know what is.

Since television doesn’t mean anything anymore and all your memories of anything good and pure have been burned to a pile of stinky ashes, MTV has deemed Miley Cyrus’s body of work ‘good enough’ for the next MTV Unplugged on January 29th. That’s right! You’ve heard Bangerz through 8 layers of post-production, auto-tune, and the wall that separates you from your slow neighbour with terrible taste in music, but now you’re about to hear it as it was meant to be heard – with the TV shut off. Because human ears aren’t meant to hear Miley “unplugged”.

Miley took to Instagram to promote her MTV Unplugged appearance with a portrait that make her look like the First Lady of Florida (if Florida were to ever secede and become it’s own sovereign state). I mean, thumbs up to those fake teeth: they did a great job of keeping her grimy lizard tongue in her mouth. Although the hat and scarf say something different; they’re saying “I used to work at Dollywood as a bartender in the Pigeon Forge Pretties topless bar until I was fired for giving lazy hand jobs behind the fried Snickers booth.”

Here’s what MTV doesn’t realize – or maybe they do, and they’re just trolling us – but Miley’s whole thing is smoking weed, drinking cough syrup, and rubbing her hillbilly acorn against the closest human while hollering over high school-sounding samples. What it’s not is sitting on a bar stool surrounded by hundreds of white candles, softly singing acoustic versions of the songs dummies snort MDMA to. Can you imagine the acoustic version of Love Money Party? Holy shit, show me to the nearest couch, cause I need to take a nap. Not even a pair of latex ass-flatteners could save this from being a snorefest.

(Pic via Instagram)