It’s Like Hannah Montana’s Hillbilly Cousin, Meth Virgina

January 21, 2014 / Posted by:

If this isn’t some lost footage from an MTV Unplugged starring a young Jerri Blank, then I don’t know what is.

Since television doesn’t mean anything anymore and all your memories of anything good and pure have been burned to a pile of stinky ashes, MTV has deemed Miley Cyrus’s body of work ‘good enough’ for the next MTV Unplugged on January 29th. That’s right! You’ve heard Bangerz through 8 layers of post-production, auto-tune, and the wall that separates you from your slow neighbour with terrible taste in music, but now you’re about to hear it as it was meant to be heard – with the TV shut off. Because human ears aren’t meant to hear Miley “unplugged”.

Miley took to Instagram to promote her MTV Unplugged appearance with a portrait that make her look like the First Lady of Florida (if Florida were to ever secede and become it’s own sovereign state). I mean, thumbs up to those fake teeth: they did a great job of keeping her grimy lizard tongue in her mouth. Although the hat and scarf say something different; they’re saying “I used to work at Dollywood as a bartender in the Pigeon Forge Pretties topless bar until I was fired for giving lazy hand jobs behind the fried Snickers booth.”

Here’s what MTV doesn’t realize – or maybe they do, and they’re just trolling us – but Miley’s whole thing is smoking weed, drinking cough syrup, and rubbing her hillbilly acorn against the closest human while hollering over high school-sounding samples. What it’s not is sitting on a bar stool surrounded by hundreds of white candles, softly singing acoustic versions of the songs dummies snort MDMA to. Can you imagine the acoustic version of Love Money Party? Holy shit, show me to the nearest couch, cause I need to take a nap. Not even a pair of latex ass-flatteners could save this from being a snorefest.

(Pic via Instagram)

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