Eva Longoria Dumped Tony Parker First, Okay!

Eva Longoria only denied that Tony Parker filed for divorce in Texas on Tuesday because she wanted to be the one who publicly cut the cord on their marriage. A source tells Gossip Cop that Eva wanted to see the headline “Eva Longoria files for divorce from Tony Parker” in lights and not the other way around. So Eva played the part of an estranged wife who wants to work things out amicably to Tony’s face but then turned around and stabbed him in the ass with divorce papers. Well. Played.

A different source tells TMZ that they’ve been planning to file for divorce ever since Eva found all those hornified text messages between Tony and his teammate’s soon-to-be ex-wife Erin Barry. Apparently, Tony wanted to make the divorce go smoother by filing in Texas, but she talked him out of it. The source says that Eva wanted to file for divorce on the same day the “Tony is Blackberry boning some other trick” story from UsWeekly came out, because she’s into “the whole PR thing.” Eva’s spokeswhore denies she tried to pull some shit over on Tony.

And about those text messages, another source (ALL THESE SOURCES) whispered in People’s ear that Tony Porkme and Erin Barry never took their phone fucking relationship to the next level. Basically, he never put his baguette into her fondue pot. The source went on to explain, “They knew each other, sent each other messages. It was flirtatious, but he never did anything with her.”

Eva is a former soap star who has worked with professional stunt queen Marc Cherry for years, so I really should have expected her to bring the dramatic theatrics. And here I was thinking that the day I gave Eva Longoria a slow clap would never come. Glad to see that she’s finally scratching at her ESCANDALO gene. Keep scratching, Eva!

Eva Longoria Tells AC Slater Everything

Just hours after Eva Longoria filed Tony Parker’s pink slip and her request for a monthly check, she spilled her heart out to her non-gay (?) confidante Mario Lopez who just so happens to work on Extra.

As Mario Lopez did bicep curls in a three-way mirror while an avocado mask moisturized his nipples, Eva sat on a bench press seat next to him and told him that UsWeekly’s story about how she found hundreds of horny text messages from Tony to a female friend was true. The rumor going around is that the “female friend” in question is Erin Barry, the wife of one of Tony’s teammate. But back to Eva and Mario….

A little while later as Mario rubbed an oatmeal scrub on his culito lips while doing squats (he’s a multi-tasker in case you didn’t know already), Eva told him that Tony cheated on her earlier this year and still talks to the ho on Facebook. Mario went to give Eva a hug but he caught a glimpse of his beautiful self in the mirror and got distracted.

Mario summed it all up with these words: “Eva wants everyone to know, she’s devastated by the rumors of Tony’s infidelity. She loved her husband and is heartbroken about their split. But she’s strong.” And Mario went on to say, “But she’s not as strong as my taint muscles. Seriously, have you seen my taint muscles?!”

Eva & Tony Are Getting A Divorce, And They Mean It This Time!

TMZ reported yesterday that Eva Longoria and Tony Porkme took a machete to their cold dead marriage and filed for divorce. Then Eva’s rep squatted on the rumor and pissed all over it. BUT NOW, People says Eva has filed for divorce for real this time. DAMN! Pick a hole and keep it in there! Seriously, when they asked her rep about this mess yesterday, they should’ve just said, “Ask me the same thing tomorrow.”

After 3 years of marriage, Eva filed divorce papers in Los Angeles this morning. TMZ’s sources say that Eva is all kinds of devastated. That might have something to do with UsWeekly’s cover story that claims Eva closed her legs to Tony for good because she caught him sexting with one of their lady friends. Apparently, Eva found hundreds upon hundreds of text messages between Tony and his possible side-piece. The messages go back a year. The source went on to say, “Eva is heartbroken by the betrayal. Once the trust was lost, the marriage was over. Eva truly thought she was going to grow old with Tony and have children with him. She’s inconsolable.”

So Eva is shocked that a professional athlete passed the peen and stuck it in banned pussy without a permission slip from his wife? Yeah, I guess Eva was absent the day the teacher gave a lecture about Elin Woods…Brett Favre…blah blah blah

And you know that “I’m trying to pull out a care, but I just can’t” face you made yesterday when you read about their first divorce filing? Well, you can make that face again. You’re getting good at it.

Eva Longoria & Tony Parker Are Getting A Divorce (UPDATE: No, They’re Not)

UPDATE: Eva’s rep tells OK! that nobody in their house filed for divorce and the two are still together. TMZ pulled their story from the front page for a little while, but now they claim that two court officials told them the divorce was filed and sealed yesterday. A different clerk who is in charge of sealed cases says no such divorce papers have touched her eyes. So nothing to see here! I’m still keeping my eyes on PAVES!!!! Here’s my original post:

Tony Parker and Eva Longoria’s marriage is about as chewed up as the piece of cheddar cheese she nibbles on to keep her teefs rat fresh, because TMZ says that he filed legal “I QUIT THIS BITCH” papers in Texas yesterday. Cue a million “Eva Longoria is a Desperate Housewife no more” headlines. Eva and Tony got married back in 2007.

So far there’s not many details as to why they have sent their marriage to the guillotone. No word if Eva was caught sucking on one of Mario Lopez’s biceps, or if Mario Lopez was caught sucking one of Tony Parker’s biceps. We don’t know this yet. But we do know that THE PAVES curse is a real thing. When Ken Paves dropped Jessica Simpson as a BFF, she got engaged. And when Ken Paves picked up Eva Longoria as his new BFF, she got dumped (or dumped her piece). Whatever you do, don’t let Jennifer Aniston buzz around Ken Paves. He’s the last thing she neeeeeeds!

Who Is Going To Buy This Crap?

When somebody asks you what that scent of rat whiskers, foundation residue and spicy hummingbird juice (aka Ken Paves‘ sweat) wafting off your body is, do you really want to look them in the eye and say with a straight face, “Oh, it’s Eva by Eva Longoria”? That is some shit that will make everyone in the room turn around and walk out. You know that not even Eva Longoria herself uses that shit as a toilet freshener or roach spray. But here she is whoring it out at a mall in London today. Did I say it smells like rat whiskers? No, it really smells like the saliva shooting out of Eva’s mouth when she laughs at the bitches who spent their hard-earned money on her perfume.

And the box! THE BOX! It looks like some bootleg company unlawfully stole a file photo of Eva and slapped it on the box of the feminine hygiene product they sell at The Dollar Store.

Here’s more of Eva making that money in London today and going to dinner at Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant last night with Posh. And by dinner, I mean Eva ate and Posh sniffed on dirty napkins brought to her by the busboys.

Tell Me Less! Tell Me Less!

To promote some contest on his website, Tony Parker put on one of Marv Albert’s old wigs to shoot a spoof of Grease’s “Summer Nights” with his wife Eva Longwhoria. This right here is really going to make John Travolta stay in the safety of closet and lock the door from the inside.

The only good part in this mess is at the 1:15 mark when the Spurs mascot falls off the bleachers and rolls out of view. Everyone else in this shit should’ve taken his lead and stopped, dropped and rolled out of sight!

Don’t even get me started on the ostrich they used to play Rizzo. Were all the drag queens in San Antonio otherwise engaged?!