Dame Elizabeth Taylor Is Not Getting Married

Wash out the image from your head of Dame Elizabeth Taylor rolling down the wedding aisle in a wheelchair decorated with paper swans and rhinestone garland, because she is not going to marry Jason Winters (the piece on left)after all. On Friday, UsWeekly said that Dame Liz recently got engaged to Jason. Dame Liz set the record straight on Twitter and wants you to know that Jason is only a friend.

# The rumors regarding my engagement simply aren’t true. Jason is my manager and dearest friend. I love him with all my heart.
about 5 hours ago via web

So when Dame Liz howled in woe at the thought of marrying again, she meant it!

Actually, don’t wash the image of Dame Liz rolling down the aisle just yet, because now that she’s not marrying Jason, she can devote all her time to planning her fake commitment ceremony to her true TRUE true love Kathy Ireland. In case you need proof of Dame Liz’s permanent hard-on for Kathy, here you go:

Kathy was delightful, gorgeous and fit the music they chose perfectly. If they ever do a remake of The King and I she should star in it.
10:48 PM Sep 28th, 2009 via web

This can be the cover of their invitation:

This needs to happen!

Ninth Time’s A Charm!

78-year-old Dame Elizabeth Taylor is going to roll down the aisle for the 9th time! This is what some source tells UsWeekly anyway. The source says that Dame Liz is engaged to her 49-year-old longtime piece Jason Winters.

The source said hat Jason isn’t cut from the same gold digging cloth as Larry Fortensky. Jason is a talent manager who counts Janet Jackson as one of his clients. He recently bought a house for Liz.

Another source added, “It’s no secret that they’ve been together forever and are in love, so it wouldn’t be a surprise if they were engaged. Right now they are keeping it between them.”

Liz and Jason have neither confirmed or denied this shit.

Oldies can do whatever the hell they want. If she wants to marry for the fiftieth time so that she can bone like a newlywed, let her! Although, I’ll let Joel McHale remind Liz about what she said when Inside Edition asked her about marriage.

If Liz is getting married, the Three Wolf Moon better be her bridesmaids.

Rachel Uchitel Is Scared

Tiger Woods’ mistress Rachel Uchitel and her lawyer Gloria Allred were supposed to tap dance in a press conference yesterday, but it was canceled at the last minute. Radar claims that Rachel put a stop to the matinee performance, because Tiger was willing to give her $1 million for her silence.

Today, TMZ is saying this isn’t so. According to their sources, Rachel is shaking in fright like Paris Hilton’s gynecologist, because she thinks she knows too much.

The source added that Tiger told Rachel about his other whores and also told her specific details about his failing marriage. Rachel plans to make like my father and disappear, because she fears “all the other people caught in what is becoming a very large net.”

We all know who Rachel is really afraid of. Elin Nordegren probably sent her a shredded tennis ball in the mail with the note: “This is about to become YOUR FACE.” Either that or Rachel has already safely tucked Tiger’s $1 million check into her savings account.

Your Prayers Worked!

Earlier this week, Elizabeth Taylor got on her Twitter to ask all of you to quit thinking about dicks or vaginas for a minute (I know that was hard) and say a little prayer for her. Elizabeth went into the hospital to get a leaky heart valve fixed. Well, the surgery went off without a hitch and Elizabeth is back to Twittering. She wrote this last night:

“Dear Friends, My heart procedure went off perfectly. It’s like having a brand new ticker. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes. I know they all helped. Love you, Elizabeth.”

Elizabeth is now as good as new and will probably outlive silicone. Even though she’s all good now, she should continue to take her medicine:

Actually, maybe that’s not the best medicine for Liz. That wolf dog’s “Ah Ruv Uuuuu” howl will probably be the soundtrack to my nightmares tonight.

VIA Cute Overload

Elizabeth Taylor Is Asking For Prayers

Elizabeth Taylor has to go into the hospital to get her heart fixed, and has asked everyone to send her good thought balloons while she’s in there. Elizabeth told everyone on her Twitter before those pesky papers got a hold of the info first. Elizabeth wrote:

“Dear Friends, I would like to let you know before it gets in the papers that I am going into the hospital to have a procedure on my heart. It’s very new and involves repairing my leaky valve using a clip device, without open heart surgery, so that my heart will function better. Any prayers you happen to have lying around I would dearly appreciate. I’ll let you know when it’s all over. Love you, Elizabeth.”

So check under your bed, seat cushions and panty drawer for prayers (or nice thoughts) to send to Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Taylor Really Loves Kathy Ireland

Dame Elizabeth Taylor has a serious memawboner for her longtime friend/business partner Kathy Ireland. Ever since the new season of Dancing with the Stars started, Liz has been singing Kathy’s praises on her Twitter account. You’d think she was talking about Shauna Sand.

It’s just Kathy Ireland! I know she changed the face of TV with her thrilling portrayal of Brittany Maddocks on four episodes of Melrose Place, but DAMN! Here’s what Dame Liz had to say about the glowingly beautiful Kathy:

I’m so excited to see Kathy Ireland on Dancing With The Stars! She is so beautiful.
1:52 PM Aug 17th from web

To watch her in movement will be a golden chance to see beauty in action and grace which is what that lady is all about.
1:54 PM Aug 17th from web

She is beauty personified because it glows from within and takes her on wing.
1:54 PM Aug 17th from web

All of you who are watching Kathy Ireland on DWTS tonight…please vote for her. The # is on the screen. She’s so gorgeous, isn’t she!
5:13 PM Sep 22nd from web

Saw Dancing With The Stars tonight. Didn’t think the judges were fair to Kathy Ireland.
about 15 hours ago from web

Kathy was delightful, gorgeous and fit the music they chose perfectly. If they ever do a remake of The King and I she should star in it.
about 15 hours ago from web

You know Dame Elizabeth set up a calling room in her mansion and makes her main gays dial for Kathy all night. They only take breaks to rub one of Kathy Ireland’s lamps from Lamps Plus for luck.

If Kathy ever gets voted out, the judges better sleep with a taser between their crotch, because Dame Elizabeth will be coming for them!

(Thanks Stormy)