“At least that raggedy crackamuffin bitch is shitting on your grave instead of mine for a change!” is what Marilyn Monroe said to Elizabeth Taylor up in the smoking lounge in heaven last night after Deadline reported that Lifetime is willing to go bankrupt from spending all of its money on prosthetics, CGI, sandblast equipment and black magic to turn Lindsay Lohan into a Elizabeth Taylor for a biopic. Lifetime can officially change its slogan from Lifetime: Television for Women into Lifetime: We Just Don’t Give A Fuck Anymore.
This mess, which doesn’t make sense, would make sense if LiLo was going to play Last Days Liz or Currently In The Grave Liz, but she’s in talks to play a young Elizabeth Taylor in Elizabeth & Richard: A Love Story. Who the hell is going to play Richard Burton? Pete Doherty? (Okay, I’d erase everything in my Tivo to record that mess.)
You know, I’m all for HoHan tripping her way up to a Drew Barrymore-like comeback and she probably sees this Lifetime shit as her own personal Amy Fisher TV movie, but she just isn’t the one to play La Liz. This is ILLEGAL! Liz had a voice like a sweet piece of velvet and HoHan has a voice like a sweet piece of velvet after it got ran over by a semi-truck, used as toilet paper by a homeless junkie and chewed up by a crackhouse rat. The only ho in the world of Elizabeth Taylor that Lindsay Lohan should play is Larry Fortensky.
La Liz herself said it best:
You hear that, Lifetime? Unless you’re planning on digging up Liz’s corpse, just stop! Actually, maybe that’s not a bad idea. Liz’s corpse would look better on camera, give a more believable performance and would never get caught doing lines with her mother on the toilet seat in her bathroom trailer.
If you told me that Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando fled New York City in a rental car after 9/11 and made several pilgrimages to KFC, I’d beg you to stop hoarding the acid tabs and please put one on my tongue like Eucharist time at a rave so that I can see this vision for myself. And this is exactly what I’m saying to Sam Kashner, the Vanity Fair writer who told this story in an article for the magazine on Elizabeth Taylor’s life. The geniuses at Next Media have already turned into a Taiwanese CGI short film for you to get high on.
On September 10th, 2011, Michael Jackson performed in a sold-out concert at Madison Square Garden. MJ originally wanted his friends Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando to sit on opposite sides of the stage like two Easter Island idols, but they decided against it. They sat in the audience instead. Cut to the next morning. After the attacks, MJ’s friends from Saudi Arabia told him to get the fuck out of NYC because there would be more assaults in America. MJ grabbed Marlon and Elizabeth and the three tried to get a private plane to take them back to California, but the air space above the country was closed for business. Instead of taking a bus or a train or a solid gold chariot led by white Persian horses, the three got into a rental car and drove far away from NYC! The Hertz agent who rented them the car is still trembling under the counter wondering what the fuck just happened.
I’ll let Sam Kashner lead you through the rest of this fuckery-laced acid trip:
A former employee of Michael Jackson’s says that Michael, like General Washington, led his entourage to a temporary safe haven in New Jersey, before the three superstars took to the open road. “They actually got as far as Ohio—all three of them, in a car they drove themselves!” he recalls. Brando allegedly annoyed his traveling companions by insisting on stopping at nearly every KFC and Burger King they passed along the highway. One can only imagine the shock their appearance caused at gas stations and rest stops across America.
But one of Elizabeth’s close friends and assistants, who asks to remain anonymous, insists that Elizabeth did not flee New York with her two companions. “Elizabeth stayed behind,” he insists, “where she went to a church to pray, and she went to an armory where people were who couldn’t get home or who’d stayed behind to look for the missing. She also went down to Ground Zero, where she met with first responders. Eventually, the airports opened and she flew home.” She may well have done some of those things, though no reports surfaced in the media of sightings of Elizabeth Taylor ministering to the frightened and wounded or showing up at Ground Zero.
The image of Marlon Brando NOM NOM NOM-ing on fried chicken skin in the passenger seat while Elizabeth Taylor pumps gas and Michael Jackson hovers over a Thomas Guide spread on the hood is one that I will bring up in my head whenever I need to flee from reality and fall into a fucked up hallucination. THE FUCK doesn’t even begin… Even though this is most likely a work of fiction, it still needs to be made into a road trip comedy. Tyler Perry or Eddie Murphy can play all the roles.
At Elizabeth Taylor’s funeral last week, Colin Farrell read a poem to a crowd of mourners making “….the fuck is he doing here?” faces while wondering if he’ll do their funerals too for a fee. Unfortunately, you can’t hire Colin to read a poem of your choosing at your funeral. Colin tells Access Hollywood that the reason he was there is pretty damn simple: they were friends! No, Colin wasn’t in training to join Elizabeth’s ex-husband harem. They just got along and Elizabeth specifically wanted him to coo out poetry at her funeral.
Colin explained to Access Hollywood at CinemaCon in Las Vegas yesterday, “How did we become friends? You know, the old story of boy meets girl, and boy pesters girl with too many phone calls at inappropriate hours of the night. I was just lucky enough to become her friend in the last year and a half. I adore her… still. Elizabeth chose it (the poem Gerard Manley’s “The Leaden Echo and the Golden Echo“). It was a tricky poem as well. Even in passing she had me under the thumb, sweating bricks. She asked someone else to ask me [to read it]. I just miss her; I just miss her; I just miss her.”
Colin didn’t mention this, but Elizabeth also requested that he read the poem while only wearing her good luck white diamond clip-on earrings on his nipples.
You can add this to the reasons why you would let Colin Farrell eat the last spoon full of Thrifty’s ice cream in your freezer after he hits it from the back. Not only do his pores secrete whiskey-flavored lube, but he also befriends old legends and reads poems at their funerals. AND Colin’s brows look just like a pair of woolly bear caterpillars. But unlike woolly bears, it won’t sting when his brows piss on your finger. So add that to the list!
Elizabeth Taylor was laid to rest in her $11,000 coffin (sadly, it’s not diamond encrusted) yesterday and she delivered one last act of glamour before everybody said their final goodbyes. A small group of Liz’s family and friends arrived at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, Calif. and waited for 15 minutes until she was carried in. Elizabeth’s rep told People that she wanted to be late to her own funeral. That’s right. A true queen of glamour always keeps her subjects waiting.
I was hoping that an army of shirtless hunks wearing pharaoh costumes carried Liz in as albino children tossed rhinestone-covered white rose petals down the aisle, but she kept things simple. La Liz’s casket was covered with gardenias, violets, and lily of the valley. Rabbi Jerry Cutler officiated the funeral which included a spot of total WTF randomness. Apparently, Elizabeth counted Colin Farrell as one of best friends forever and so he read a poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins during the service.
No farewell waltz from Kathy Ireland? No smoldering silent soliloquy from Tom Ryan? But a poem reading from COLIN FARRELL of all hos?! How did that happen? Fuck hearing about the details of how an icy fairy turned Anderson’s Cooper hair silver with the touch of a crystal wand! This is the back story I really want to hear (I don’t mean that). I bet that at the end of the funeral, Colin pulled two greasy gold rings off of his ears and gently tossed them into her coffin before saying, “These have always brought me luck.” Someone had to do it.
The bright shiny amethyst in the world’s eye is moonwalking with Michael Jackson and the angels up in heaven today. The Today Show just announced that legend of legends Dame Elizabeth Taylor died early this morning of congestive heart failure at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. La Liz was 79 years old. As soon as I scent my tears with White Diamonds and get my eyebrows mourn-ready, I’ll add more. Meanwhile, here’s the statement her son released after her passing:
“My Mother was an extraordinary woman who lived life to the fullest, with great passion, humor, and love. Though her loss is devastating to those of us who held her so close and so dear, we will always be inspired by her enduring contribution to our world. Her remarkable body of work in film, her ongoing success as a businesswoman, and her brave and relentless advocacy in the fight against HIV/AIDS, all make us all incredibly proud of what she accomplished. We know, quite simply, that the world is a better place for Mom having lived in it. Her legacy will never fade, her spirit will always be with us, and her love will live forever in our hearts.”
Dame Liz’s publicist says that she was surrounded by her children, Michael Wilding, Christopher Wilding, Liza Todd and Maria Burton, before she grabbed Richard Burton’s hand and skipped through the cloud tunnel to heaven (Yes, I believe heaven is exactly like it is in soap operas). Liz is survived by her 4 children, 10 grandchildren and 4 great grand children.
There are so many things to thank Elizabeth Taylor for, like her contribution to the fight against AIDS, her impeccable eyebrow situation, her White Diamonds commercial (the holidays won’t ever be the same), her dozens of film roles, her turn as Helena Cassadine on General Hospital and of course…this:
Rest in peace, Elizabeth… I’m going to get married today in your honor.
2011 is turning out to be the year sad tears washed the shine off of diamonds. Diamonds have already dimmed their sparkle for Zsa Zsa Gabor and now they’re dropping their dimmer switch a few more inches for Dame Elizabeth Taylor. Elizabeth was hospitalized at Cedars in Los Angeles for symptoms caused by congestive heart failure. Elizabeth’s heart has been through a million husbands including Larry Fortensky’s Fraggle mullet ass so I’m sure it’s strong as all fuck and will keep on for a few more decades to come. Liz’s rep had this to say to People:
“This issue is being addressed. She is currently being kept in the hospital for monitoring. Her family and close friends are appreciative of the warm support and interest of her loyal fans, but have asked that people respect her privacy and allow her medical team the time and space to focus on restoring her back to health.”
Can somebody go to the porch and hit pause on Tom Ryan’s gambling addiction for a quick minute? If he already didn’t lose them in a bet, Elizabeth is going to need those good luck earrings back.