Things I Can Still Hear: The Scream That Meryl Streep Let Out Last Night

Yesterday was the second day of the Democratic National Convention, and out was Susan Sarandon looking like she’d rather felch a porcupine who just ate Taco Bell than listen to speakers throw out praise for Hillary Clinton. In was Meryl Streep squealing out a pro-Hillary battle cry of joy while double fisting the air and working one of her old patriotic looks.

Hillary Clinton officially became the first woman to be nominated for President of the United States by a major party yesterday, and her man Bill Clinton, and his Fashion Fair Perfect Finish® mug, were the headliners of the night. But before and after Ole’ Bubba’s speech, he had many opening acts and a few closing acts including Elizabeth Banks, America Ferrera, Alicia Keys, Lena Dunham, Debra Messing (who surprisingly didn’t put her taunting hands on the side of her head while saying, “Na na na na na na na, Susan!“, into the camera) and THEE MERYL STREEP!

Meryl followed Bill and when she took the podium, she let out the kind of scream-cry of happiness that I let out whenever the Henny Penny episode of The Golden Girls comes on the Hallmark Channel. As Meryl spoke, those flag poles in the back thought to themselves, “Of COURSE that shady Meryl Streep had to steal our look and work it better.”

Yes, Meryl Streep has been nominated for an Oscar 19 times, has starred in a zillion movies and is considered by many to be the greatest living actress (those many obviously haven’t seen Gina Gershon’s work in Showgirls), but the Republican National Convention had Scott Baio. And did Meryl Streep have a starring role in Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2? I think not. So, sorry, DNC, you tried it, but the RNC still won the category of STAR POWER!

And here’s Meryl Streep working her Catherine Malandrino American flag dress to a screening of Doubt in 2008.

Pics: Splash

Licking On Donuts Cost Ariana Grande A White House Performance

Those eyes! The photographer was able to capture truly the fiendish imp that dwells within her! We learned this week that, much like The Blair Witch Project, The Fappening has a sequel. It’s called The Fappening 2: Fuck The DNC. Russia recently infodumped a whole mess of e-mails (20,000!) belonging to high-ranking Democratic National Committee officials via Wikileaks. Besides hating on Bernie Sanders, the leak revealed that Ariana Grande licked herself right out of a gig. Well, the “I hate Americans. I Hate America.” utterances probably didn’t help her, either.

Gawker reports (via the DNC hack that once again proves we should all just go back to paper and pen) Mimi Lite was in consideration to perform at an unnamed White House “gala“for President Obama. (Apparently the kids in “Finance“ are big fans.) Finance chair Zachary Allen asked that Ariana be vetted before they let her hide the fact that she can’t dance from POTUS.

“Ariana Butera,” Deputy Compliance Director Kevin wrote in an incredibly detailed response. “Video caught her licking other peoples’ donuts while saying she hates America; Republican Congressman used this video and said it was a double standard that liberals were not upset with her like they are with Trump who criticized Mexicans; cursed out a person on Twitter after that person used an offensive word towards her brother,”

FYI – “Ariana Grande-Butera” is her real name. So Ariana’s ass was vetted. She was vetted to a crazy extent. They even noted how she tried to blame fat people for #Donutgate. Nevertheless, a guy by the name of (no, really and oh, this poor guy when he was a kid) Bobby Schmuck vetoed the donut-licking USA hater. He vetoed her very simply.

Nope, sorry.

Yes, you’ve been shut down by a guy named Schmuck. Schmuck was right. What if she started licking the various whore derves and desserts at that gala? What if she touched her tongue to several people’s crème brûlées before taking the stage to awkwardly “sexy frug” for POTUS? Thank you, Russia, for bringing this valuable intel to our attention.

Pic: Splash