Look At This Fancy Bitch

You decide which bitch that headline is directed towards (SPOILER ALERT: the hot bitch in the pink tie). Yesterday, Catherine Zeta-Jones finished her final performance in A Little Night Music on Broadway and celebrated by picking up her dog’s ass nuggets on the streets of NYC while stretching out Posh Beckham’s favorite ensemble. I love how even CZJ’s bodyguard is dressed like he’s about to sip mint juleps on the veranda of the Gatsby Estate. The truth is, CZJ’s dog won’t shit unless he’s surrounded by fancy motherfuckers in fancy clothes.

CZJ is way too refined for me. I bet she pisses with her legs crossed (she finds a way) and wears white satin gloves whenever she changes Michael Douglas’ colostomy bag.

Catherine Zeta-Jones Looks Different

I don’t know whether it’s the make-up, the tarantula leg lashes, the dates with Botox, the face pulls or all of the above, but Catherine Zeta-Jones is starting to look like Auntie Ying-Ying from The Joy Luck Club. Seriously, I want to play a game of Mahjong with her, and then get her to yell at my husband for making me pay for half of the ice cream even though I don’t touch the stuff because I’m lactose intolerant.

You know, I don’t even know why the perpetually 40-year-old CZJ fucks with her face the way she does. Bitch is married to a zombie pepaw, so even when her face starts to wrinkle up like a Shar-Pei’s b-hole, she’ll still look young next to his old ass. But I guess since she’s injecting Botox into her birth certificate, she might as well prick her face with it too.

Here’s CZJ bringing out the raw emotion during “Send in the Clowns” at the Tony Awards last night. She looks like a scared cat hiding under the bed during a thunder storm.

CZJ won Best Actress in a Musical for that mess. Here’s a few pictures of the other winners from last night including ScarJo for Best Supporting Actress in a Play (I can’t either), Denzel Washington for Best Actor in a Play, Viola Davis for Best Actress in a Play, and Douglas Hodge for Best Actor in a Musical.

Send In The Coke

Somebody forgot to blow the blow off their nose before stepping outside. Catherine Zeta-Jonesingforthebadshit left her apartment in NYC this morning to perform in A Little Night Music on Broadway and her nose brought along Lindsay Lohan’s favorite friend.

NO! CZJ doesn’t touch that stuff! CZJ gets high off of drinking champagne in a bubble bath while wearing all her diamonds. It’s obviously just make-up or sunblock. Or maybe Michael Douglas accidentally farted dust into her face while she was gently licking his crack. That sounds about right.

Trophy Wife Icon: CZJ

Last night in Hollywood, Michael Douglas was honored by the American Film Institute and his shiny trophy was right there to next him smiling like she means it. That’s why Cubic Zirconia Jones is an icon to all gold diggers. Yes, CZJ acts in movies sometimes, but being a trophy wife is her first priority. And she does it oh so well!

When Michael’s colostomy bag spills in the middle of the night, CZJ probably doesn’t even bat an eye. Well, I don’t think she can bat her eye at all, because of ze Botoz. But if she could, she still wouldn’t. She simply slips into her marabou-lined slippers, waltzes to the bathroom, makes sure her make-up is perfect and then quietly calls for the maid to come clean Michael’s caca up. A classy whore in every way.

Thank You, Daily Mail

Albert Finney can take off the wig, because the role of Susan Boyle in the movie version of her life is close to being snatched up by none-other-than Catherine Zeta-Jones! That’s what the Daily Mail claims anyway. They say that CZJ is trying to buy the rights to Susan’s life story. The Daily Mail could’ve made that all up just so they could create this work of high-art that belongs in the museum of non-stop laughs.

CZJ should give Michael Douglas an extra kiss on his prune lips tonight, because if it wasn’t for him this is exactly what she would look like today without all that money. This was your future, CZJ!

How Old Is This Bitch?

CZJ claims she’s 38, but there’s so many rumors about that she’s lying her age. People have written me saying this bitch was in her 20s in the 1980s. I don’t know, but she looks 38 to me. A botoxed to hell 38-year-old . That’s probably why she married Michael Douglas, so that she could look like a hot young thing next to his pepaw ass.

Here’s CZJ at a press conference for “Death Defying Acts” in Sydney with Guy Pearce. Guy will always be Felicia Jollygoodfellow to me.