Today In Well, She Is 25: There’s A Rumor That Leonardo DiCaprio And Camila Morrone Have Broken Up

UPDATE: People’s sources upgraded this rumor to “true” and say that Leonardo and Camila are over after 4 years.

The world held its collective breath when Camila Morrone, Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend of several years, turned 25 on June 16. Some resumed breathing when nothing happened and the two celebrated the 4th of July together as 25-year-old and 47-year-old romantic partners. However, according to Deuxmoi, the time has come when he must fire up the yacht and perform the sacred ritual that only happens every four to eight years. Legend is, Leo sails to what he calls the Cove of Closure, located somewhere in the Italian Riviera (only Leo and his little buddy Lukas Haas know the exact location) to burn a ceremonial Victoria’s Secret bra and panny set (he’s got a whole steamer trunk full of them just for this purpose), sending its ashes into the sea while Lukas dutifully scampers off to lower the Pussy Posse flag to half-mast before scuttling over to ring the bespoke PP gong with a silly oversized dildo (Tobey Maguire got it as a gag gift for Leo’s 40th), signaling that yet another of Leo’s girlfriends has aged out of service. It’s a solemn ritual, but an important one that keeps Leo grounded. Because each peal of the gong symbolizes that another Angel has been sent off to heaven/date Sean Penn. Let us bow our heads. #PussyPosse4Lyfe

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