America. 2021. As expected, reviled Trump lackey Kellyanne Conway makes an appearance on American Idol to support her 16-year-old daughter Claudia Conway. You know, the Gen-Z social media star who hates Trump and broke the news that her mother had COVID on TikTok. Claudia admits the Internet can be a very dark place, but “when life is all going downhill, I have my music.” Yep, this teen sings. And, SPOILER ALERT, American Idol is going to use her some more because they gave her a Golden Ticket to the next round in Hollywood.
Claudia shows up to the audition with her dad, attorney George Conway. Her mom also dropped in via Zoom on the big screen to give her the extremely ironic piece of advice, “Remember, honey, winners are people who are willing to lose.”
Anyway, when Claudia enters the audition room, she explains who her parents are, and the ever tactful Katy Perry (sporting muumuu formalwear made out of curtains from the sixties) asks, “With your mom being the figure who she is… does she still hug you?” Claudia replies that they still love each other, but their relationship is “a little iffy.” Then she sings Rihanna’s “Love on the Brain” and Adele’s “When We Were Young”. Before she performs the second song, unlicensed psychologist Dr. Katy Perry tells her:
When you sing this next song, think about when you were young. And there’s a sadness there. Like, you lost your youth, because you weren’t able to experience it on your own without all this noise.
In my opinion, Claudia has a nice voice. But is she American Idol-good? Ehhhh, I dunno about that, but mostly because I haven’t watched the show since that grey-haired “Soul Patrol” guy was on. Judge Luke Bryan votes against Claudia, but Katy and Lionel Richie vote yes to give her a Golden Ticket (and more importantly, themselves a ratings boost!!!). So watch out world, the Conways are headed to Hollywood!
Well, let’s see where this takes us. And, again, a reminder that this is not alternative-timeline dystopian literature you were forced to read in high school. This is real life.