Open Post: Hosted By Goop’s New Orgasm-Scented Candle
Gwyneth Paltrow has had so much time to think in quarantine that she came up with the follow-up to her infamous pussy candle. She was on The Tonight Show via video call from her luxurious looking house (trick has a lit fireplace–in the summer!) and told Jimmy Fallon about her new product. Now you can make your room smell like both a vagina and an orgasm. Perfect! I’ve always wanted my home to smell like a Bang Bros. production set!
TooFab says Gwyneth’s new candle is called “This Smells Like My Orgasm” and if her orgasm smells like how this candle is described then there is something wrong with her vagina. But I’ve long been suspect of Gwyneth’s pussy. The candle is $75 US on the Goop site and will ship by the end of the month. Hopefully you can wait that long to sniff GP’s burning coochie cream. Here’s how they describe the scent:
“A fitting follow-up to that candle–you know the one. This blend is made with tart grapefruit, neroli, and ripe cassis berries blended with gunpowder tea and Turkish rose absolutes for a scent that’s sexy, surprising, and wildly addictive.”
Gunpowder tea? What in God’s name is the Goop regimen doing to Gwyneth’s vagina? I can’t wait for the day when Gwyneth Paltrow says: “Fuck it, I’m going to make a This Smells Like My Queef candle.” That day will be tomorrow.