Open Post: Hosted By A Ponytail-Less Ariana Grande

March 31, 2020 / Posted by:

Yesterday those of you in the Greater Los Angeles area may have felt a low rumble ’round mid-afternoon. No, it wasn’t one of your terrifying earthquakes. It was a seismic sigh of relief coming from Casa Del Ariana Grande. For the wee nymphette finally removed her 58-pound synthetic ponytail. Whew. This isn’t the first time, and hopefully it won’t be the last. That poor scalp!

Ariana uploaded the “au naturale” results to Instagram. Because if a pop star changes her hair without posting it to the ‘Gram… did it even happen?

Here’s the post:

View this post on Instagram

get a load a dis

A post shared by Ariana Grande (@arianagrande) on


The reason Ariana is holding her chin in the photo is because her facial muscles can’t actually stay up on their own. Not without their regular ponytail facelift. After this was taken, Ariana busted out the extra-strong duct tape and gave herself a Norma Desmond beauty procedure. All because she’s ashamed of living as her true self… Howie Mandel in the eighties:

Ariana, do yourself a favor and embrace the curls for the rest of quarantine! Yes, I know, you’re holed up with your new boyfriend, Realtor to the StarsĀ Dalton Gomez, but now that’s he’s seen you sans ponytail, isn’t it OK to let loose a little? Take off the bra, scrape off twelve layers of your problematic spray tan, and drain the lip fillers?

Or are all these beauty measures really to impress the one, true love of your life: Piggy Smallz? Piggy loves you for you, Ari! Unless she actually loves you for your bedtime cuddles, when she nestles into that massive ponytail and does little shits. Then, yeah, fair, put the pony back atop your head.

Pic: Instagram

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