If you’re thinking to yourself, “Michael, you dumb fuck, why would you use a picture of Susan Powter in a story about that brown-headed chick from Lost?“, then I need to tell you to please STOP THE INSANITY and social distance from my ass, because how dare you compare the brilliance of Susan Powter to WhatsHerName from Lost!
On March 16, Evangeline Lilly, seen above giving you Children of The Damned Mia Farrow, decided that while many in the world were doing an impersonation of me at a party (read: staying the fuck away from everyone by sitting alone in the corner while sipping my drink and petting the cat), she should let us know that she is living life like normal. Evangeline Lilly added that she lives with her dad, who has stage 4 leukemia, and her two young sons, and she too has a compromised immune system. But she’s still not going to let something that’s just a simple “respiratory flu” mess with her freedom. She also suggested it’s all a political hoax.
That went down about as well as a drunk, unsteady trick trying to give a dude a blowjob in the bathroom of a bar at 1:30 in the morning while holding onto a drink (I may or may not be typing that from experience). Many shook their heads in disgust at Evangeline’s post includingSophie Turner and Evangeline’s Lost co-starMaggie Grace.
Part of me thought that Evangeline would never apologize and would continue to hug people freely while ignoring the six feet rule in the name of DEFYING THE MAN. But that part of me forgot that she probably relies on a Disney check to pay her bills. And well, Evangeline is here to tell you she’s sowwy.
After editing her anti-social distancing post from March 16 (it no longer has that shit about how she’s not going to social distance), Evangeline posted an apology on Instagram, saying that when she burped up that first post, her town in Hawaii had yet to tell people to stay away from each other. But now they have, so she’s social distancing now and is sorry for the corroded dingle of dumb that she sharted onto our eyes.
There was a little rumor that Disney didn’t like the bad attention that Evangeline’s words got and reacted by making the decision to push her to the side in the next Ant-Man movie and demote her from co-lead to supporting. I don’t know about that, but I do know that Mickey Mouse probably called her ass and channeled his inner Jack when he said, “We have to go back, Kate! We have to go back to when your dumb words didn’t fuck with our brand!”
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