If you’re thinking to yourself, “Michael, you dumb fuck, why would you use a picture of Susan Powter in a story about that brown-headed chick from Lost?“, then I need to tell you to please STOP THE INSANITY and social distance from my ass, because how dare you compare the brilliance of Susan Powter to WhatsHerName from Lost!
On March 16, Evangeline Lilly, seen above giving you Children of The Damned Mia Farrow, decided that while many in the world were doing an impersonation of me at a party (read: staying the fuck away from everyone by sitting alone in the corner while sipping my drink and petting the cat), she should let us know that she is living life like normal. Evangeline Lilly added that she lives with her dad, who has stage 4 leukemia, and her two young sons, and she too has a compromised immune system. But she’s still not going to let something that’s just a simple “respiratory flu” mess with her freedom. She also suggested it’s all a political hoax.
That went down about as well as a drunk, unsteady trick trying to give a dude a blowjob in the bathroom of a bar at 1:30 in the morning while holding onto a drink (I may or may not be typing that from experience). Many shook their heads in disgust at Evangeline’s post including Sophie Turner and Evangeline’s Lost co-star Maggie Grace.
Part of me thought that Evangeline would never apologize and would continue to hug people freely while ignoring the six feet rule in the name of DEFYING THE MAN. But that part of me forgot that she probably relies on a Disney check to pay her bills. And well, Evangeline is here to tell you she’s sowwy.
After editing her anti-social distancing post from March 16 (it no longer has that shit about how she’s not going to social distance), Evangeline posted an apology on Instagram, saying that when she burped up that first post, her town in Hawaii had yet to tell people to stay away from each other. But now they have, so she’s social distancing now and is sorry for the corroded dingle of dumb that she sharted onto our eyes.
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Hello everyone. I am writing you from my home where I have been social distancing since Mar 18th – when social distancing was instituted in the small community where I am currently living. At the time of my Mar 16th post, the directives from the authorities here were that we not congregate in groups of more than 250ppl and that we wash our hands regularly, which we were doing. Two days later, those directives changed and, despite my intense trepidation over the socioeconomic and political repercussions of this course of action, PLEASE KNOW I AM DOING MY PART TO FLATTEN THE CURVE, PRACTICING SOCIAL DISTANCING AND STAYING HOME WITH MY FAMILY. I want to offer my sincere and heartfelt apology for the insensitivity I showed in my previous post to the very real suffering and fear that has gripped the world through COVID19. Grandparents, parents, children, sisters and brothers are dying, the world is rallying to find a way to stop this very real threat, and my ensuing silence has sent a dismissive, arrogant and cryptic message. My direct and special apologies to those most affected by this pandemic. I never meant to hurt you. When I wrote that post 10 days ago, I thought I was infusing calm into the hysteria. I can see now that I was projecting my own fears into an already fearful and traumatic situation. I am grieved by the ongoing loss of life, and the impossible decisions medical workers around the world must make as they treat those affected. I am concerned for our communities – small businesses and families living paycheck-to-paycheck – and I am trying to follow responsible recommendations for how to help. Like many of you, I fear for the political aftermath of this pandemic, and I am praying for us all. At the same time, I am heartened by the beauty and humanity I see so many people demonstrating toward one another in this vulnerable time. When I was grappling with my own fears over social distancing, one kind, wise and gracious person said to me “do it out of love, not fear” and it helped me to realize my place in all of this. Sending love to all of you, even if you can’t return it right now. EL
There was a little rumor that Disney didn’t like the bad attention that Evangeline’s words got and reacted by making the decision to push her to the side in the next Ant-Man movie and demote her from co-lead to supporting. I don’t know about that, but I do know that Mickey Mouse probably called her ass and channeled his inner Jack when he said, “We have to go back, Kate! We have to go back to when your dumb words didn’t fuck with our brand!”