I’ve seen the original Suspiria from 1977 exactly one time, and now I’m officially scared of ballet, stained glass windows, loose piles of razor wire, and the prog-rock band Goblin. The remake starring Dakota Johnson comes out in theaters tomorrow, and the Los Angeles premiere was held last night in Hollywood. Luckily, the red carpet wasn’t nearly as terrifying as I was imagining it might be. Well, unless you count Dakota Johnson in a sequined second choice from the Dynasty wardrobe department as terrifying.
Dakota’s Celine dress looks like a costume from a cheesy 1980’s figure skating performance set to “The Lady in Red” by Chris de Burgh. Not very spooky. Although I’m not sure Dakota could wear something that would chill you to the bone. Maybe a t-shirt that says “A fourth Fifty Shades film is coming 2021.”
Trying a little harder was Tilda Swinton, who wore an outfit by Schiaparelli Haute Couture, which featured a jacket with tiny little hands as clasps, and a severed hand as a purse. The pink kind of de-spookies it though into Mary Kay Lady territory. And I know the hands are supposed to be weird or whatever, but all see are the decorative Victorian version of Button Biters.
Chloe Grace Moretz went a bit darker, literally, by wearing dark lipstick and a Miu Miu dress, which isn’t scary at all. It’s the accessories that are a little scarier. Specifically what appears to be the tail of a Muppet worn across her shoulder like a trophy collected from Sesame Street during The Purge.
Here’s more from the LA premiere of Suspiria last night, with special guest appearance by Dakota’s date Tippi Hedren.