Princess Eugenie Is Marrying Her Third Cousin Twice Removed

January 22, 2018 / Posted by:

The name “Princess Eugenie” might cause your brain to queef up a stream of questions marks, but I know who she is, because she’s the daughter of The Original Fergie (my fourth favorite British royal after Prince Hot Ginge, THE QUEEN and Susan the Corgi) and the sister of Princess Beatrice (my fifth favorite British royal after Prince Hot Ginge, THE QUEEN, Susan the Corgi and The Original Fergie). Princess Eugenie is also the one who brought some “ugly stepsisters” glamour to Duchess Kate and Prince William’s wedding by wearing a blue bedpan on her head. And now she’s getting some attention today for announcing that she’s engaged.

27-year-old Princess Eugenie, who works at the art gallery Hauser & Wirth in London, got engaged to her 31-year-old boyfriend Jack Brooksbank, who “works” as the UK brand ambassador for George Clooney’s tequila line Casamigos, in Nicaragua earlier this month. They’ve been dating for 7 years. Metro UK says they’re also both sucio cousin fuckers (sort of).

Fergie’s great-great-grandmother is Lady Julia Coke (I take back what I said about Princess Bea being my fifth favorite royal. That title now goes to Lady Julia Coke, based on her name alone). Jack’s great-great grandfather is Thomas Coke. Lady Julia Coke is Thomas Coke’s daughter, which makes Eugenie and Jack third cousins twice removed.

The royal family announced that Princess Eugenie and her cousin will get married in the fall at the same chapel where PHG and Meghan Markle are getting married at in May.

Princess Eugenie and Jack also posed for royal engagement photos where she wore her reported £7,000 sapphire engagement ring.

The Original Fergie has been tweeting about this all day, and I may be as happy as she is. Because while this may be a royal wedding that nobody cares about, it might give us the return of Fergie! I can’t wait to hear about how she toasted the new couple by saying, “May your honeymoon be filled with a ton of hot toe sucking fun!

Since Jack’s family is obviously poor (see: him buying Eugenie a ring that’s ONLY worth £7,000) and I doubt the royal family wants to spend a ton of money on this who cares wedding, expect for Eugenie and Jack’s wedding date to be moved up from fall 2018 to the weekend after PHG and Meghan Markle’s. Because the royal family is going to want to save money by reusing PHG and Meghan’s flowers and by serving their wedding leftover food at Eugenie’s reception. I hope Eugenie and Jack like banana cake!

Here’s Princess Bea and Princess Eugenie at church over the weekend:

Pic: @RoyalFamily

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