I don’t trust anybody named Trump as far as I can throw them. Ivanka Trump, perhaps the most easily tossed Trump, is no exception. So when Ivanka says she went through a “punk phase”, I’ve got to go see my ophthalmologist for severe spraining of the eyeballs. Ivanka wrote a chapter in her mom Ivana Trump‘s book Raising Trump, and because she’s a bad liar, she revealed that she used to shoplift tampons with GG Allin back in the day. Or close to it!
According to the New York Daily News:
“My wardrobe consisted of ripped corduroy jeans and flannel shirts,” Ivanka wrote in a chapter of Ivana Trump’s “Raising Trump,” which was released on Oct. 10. “One day after school, I dyed my hair blue. Mom wasn’t a fan of this decision. She took one look at me and immediately went out to the nearest drugstore to buy a $10 box of Nice’ n Easy. That night she forced me to dye my hair back to blond.”
Oh, Ivanka. If you’re gonna lie about being into something, you’ve GOT to do your homework. You are describing mall grunge, sweetheart. If you asked Ivanka who her favorite author was she’d say something like Philip Roth. Then you’d ask her which book of his is her favorite and she’d say, “Oh, I don’t know, I just love them all so much.” But in reality she only reads Cosmo and has had Atlas Shrugged open to page 2 on her bedside table for a decade. At most, Ivaka had one pair of very expensive ripped jeans and a single flannel from L.L. Bean she stole from Donny Jr.’s Fall Hunting Outfits closet.
I also call foul on that hair dye story. Ivanka ramped up the incredulity factor by adding:
“The color she picked out was actually three shades lighter than my natural color … and I have never looked back!”
Girl, please stop lying. Do you know what a fucking mess that would make? Blue hair dye, even if it’s just Manic Panic (which I’m sure it was, if it happened at all) is a mess. No way Ivana let that go down in one of the Trump bathrooms. I’m really supposed to believe that Ivana walked her daughter to Walgreens and had the skill and patience to turn her jacked-up blue hair into a professional bleach job with a $10 box of Nice ‘n Easy? Pssssssh. Ivana called down to the salon and said, “I ham zending her down now, she hass been very naughty. Her daddy must never know.”
Ivanka also swears that she was devastated when Kurt Cobain died. She claims she cried uncontrollably for 24 hours before her mom finally had enough and made her come down for dinner. Now this I totally believe. THIS rings true. Ivanka absolutely seems the type. What an incredible opportunity for unhinged histrionics by feigning grief in order to gain sympathy, attention and cool points for appearing so affected!