It seems the Lord has got Justin Bieber all up in his feelings. Yesterday, Justin posted a lengthy (for a semi-literate person!) note to his fans via Instagram apologizing for his missed concert dates and opening up about his personal growth.
Triggering middle school teachers across the globe, The Biebs half-assed assignment was turned in late and submitted as screenshot instead of as a PDF as required. He gets mechanical points deducted for terrible resolution, abysmal punctuation (.!!, seriously?), unnecessary capitalization and sentence fragments. Style points deducted for trite platitudes, cliches and too many “me” statements. Highlighting grammatical errors by announcing them in ALL CAPS does not lessen the offense, Justin. He does get points for apparent sincerity and self-reflection. He is clearly working his steps.
Sadly, it’s doubtful that this message of contrition is entirely altruistic. He’s got to win back those fans he disappointed when he abruptly cancelled the remaining dates of his Purpose tour. One other way he’s reaching out to his fans, is by offering them an unique retail opportunity. In addition to launching his soul into the stratosphere, Justin has just launched a new line of “re-imagined” Hanes white tees with the help of celebrity stylist Karla Welch. According to Vogue:
Stylist Karla Welch remembers exactly why she first got into reworking classic men’s Hanes white tees: Her client Justin Bieber “wanted them tomorrow.” And what Justin Bieber wants, Justin Bieber gets. “He was so fearless. [He said], ‘I want T-shirts that are long,’ and they literally didn’t exist in the marketplace. It was a bit of a nightmare.” Like any stylist worth her salt, Welch rolled up her sleeves, went to the local Kmart, and stocked up on mountains of triple-XL tees before taking them apart and remaking them using a pattern she had created.
Excuse me, I need a minute to go change my pants because I just pissed myself laughing. Justin really is the bravest boy. Can you imagine the sheer grit and daring it must have taken him to endure a lifetime of too short tees? His little booty showing? This Karla woman is not kidding, sounds like a real fucking nightmare. It’s weird though, because she says they don’t exist in the market but, like her, I have also been to K-Mart and, oh, never mind. It’s all just too silly. You can get your Beiber approved Hanes tee for $30 online or you can walk your ass down to Target and get a six pack for $8. Be warned though, those store bought tees do not come with existential angst. If you want that, you have to get the Bieber ones.