Kunty Karl can’t physically cry, but if he could, he wouldn’t shed one tear about Kim Kardashian reportedly getting robbed at gunpoint by jewel thieves. Karl basically told reporters after his Chanel show that when you drink Don Pérignon around Three Buck Chuck drinkers, you shouldn’t be surprised when one of them snatches your crystal champagne flute out of your hand. A spokesperson for the Paris police department also hit our eyeballs with a giant DUX (that’s French for “duh,” I checked) by saying that Kim was targeted by alleged thieves because she’s famous, rich and flashed her diamonds all over social media. Pimp Mama Kris, I mean, a family source, tells People that Kim isn’t blaming her pimp mom for choosing that one night to not have cameras on her. Kim is blaming herself.
Since true crime docu-series are so in right now, I fully expect E! to do a 10-part investigative series about The Kartrashian Jewel Kaper, and when they do, there will be a well lit scene where Kim blames herself for why her finger no longer has that $4 million ring on it. As the police throw suspicious eyes at the concierge and check surveillance footage from a nearby security camera, Kim is making plans to pull back on her public appearances and social media shit:
“Kim’s in shock and blaming herself. She’s tearing herself up that she Snapchatted the ring so much and wore it all the time. This incident is making her question everything. How she dresses, what she does. Kanye wants to buy her the ring again but she just says she doesn’t want to think about it. He says he wants everything to go back to normal and for the incident to not affect their lives.
“This scared everyone. They’re not taking chances …. It was a really scary situation for the entire family and it’s just not worth it to put themselves out there unnecessarily right now. [She will have] a much heavier security team. There will be a focus on security personal who aren’t in traditional clothing. There will be a lot more undercover security.”
So instead of doing 25 pap walks and posting 3,500 selfies a day, she’s going to do 24.5 pap walks and post 3,499 selfies a day. And I believe that Kim doesn’t want Kanye to buy her another $4 million ring. She probably wants him to buy her a $400 million ring that’s so heavy she’ll need a team of little bodybuilders to hold up her arm and hand as she walks. Thieves will have a shit of a time trying to steal that ring since a forklift isn’t exactly inconspicuous.
And here’s some thrilling pictures of Kanye dressed like a Yeezy-fied Jedi outside of his free Airbnb in NYC yesterday: