Nobody Sends A Bad Dick Pic, So Says Captain America…

April 8, 2016 / Posted by:

Anna Faris has a podcast called Anna Faris Is Unqualified (file that under: things I did not know) and her co-star from What’s Your Number?, Chris Evans, was on to talk about all sorts of things. Chris talked about how his tip gets moist for ass more than tits, texting etiquette and one of my favorite subjects: dick pics.

Straight dudes are always asked if they’re into chichis or nalgas. Just once I’d like a straight dude to say that nothing sends the blood rushing to his other head like cankles, or ear lobes or a real succulent armpit. Chris Evans didn’t say any of that. Chris told Anna (via E!) that he’d much rather plant his face between two plump ass cheeks rather than two plump titty mounds:

“I’m way more of an ass man, clearly,” he said while laughing on the program. “I like butts. I guess [I like] butt pics.”

While Chris Evans loves ass, he does not love it when a chick is an eager texter. Chris said that if he meets someone he’s into, he’ll ask for her number and text her that night. But if she texts him more than once, his switch will go from on to off. Presenting…The Rules according to Captain America!

“Let’s say we met at 10, and I left the bar at 11 and I sent her a text at 11:30 saying, ‘Hey, it was great to meet you.’ And she responds, ‘Yeah, you too.’ And at 3 a.m. there’s another text [from her], right away it’s a little bit of a bummer.”

A few years ago, Chris said in an interview that he hates it when a chick plays games and likes it when a chick is straight forward. But now he’s saying that his boner will slightly go soft if a chick texts him at 3 in the morning because she wants to use Captain America’s skin flute to play “America the Beautiful” with her coochie. (I’m guessing that’s why she’s texting him at 3am.) I don’t know anything about Captain America, but is his superpower sending mixed messages, because bitch seems to be good at that! You know what else he’s good at? Telling blatant lies. Chris said this non-fact about dick pics:

He also joked that while some may regret sending naked photos (security reasons aside), “nobody sends a bad dick pic.”

“There’s always like a full photo shoot, like a four-hour photo shoot with filters,” he added without confirming (or denying, really) that he was speaking from experience.

Since when is Chris Evans a dick pic aficionado, and how many dick pics has he gotten exactly? Because yes, bad dick pics exist and if he doesn’t believe me, he’s more than welcome to take a journey through the messages on my iPhone. If you take a picture of your dick over an open toilet that hasn’t been flushed, that’s a bad dick pic. If you take a picture of your dick and didn’t Photoshop out the warts, that’s a bad dick pic. If you take a picture of your dick next to a can of Keystone Light to show its thickness, that’s a bad dick pic. Because that means you drink Keystone Light, and imagine what Keystone Light-infused jizz tastes like?

Yes, I’ll fap to those dick pics, but they’re still bad dick pics. Wait, did I just prove Captain America right?

And since Chris Evans pretty much confirmed that his dick pic sessions are big productions, I’m picturing his peen posing for its life in a Glamour Shots photo shoot. I bet his peen looks fabulous with back-lighting.

Pics: Splash,

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