When All Else Fails, Say “Screw It” And Get A Double-Double

February 16, 2016 / Posted by:

Adele’s album 25 Trillion Sold And Counting missed the Grammys nomination eligibility cut-off for 2015, so next year will be its year. Expect the 2017 Grammys to be one long Adele appreciation ceremony where Adele will host, produce, sing in every performance, win every category and the In Memoriam section will be filled with everybody who released an album in 2016 since her sales killed them all. Last night, Adele gave a little preview of next year’s Grammys by performing “All I Ask” and it was an off-key and technical mess.

Just a few seconds into her performance, her mic cut out and I pictured #1 Adele hater and proud cunt biscuit Noel Gallagher turning it off in the control room while cackling. Everyone had a theory as to what happened during the nightingale angel’s performance. I guessed that her earpiece broke up with her a few seconds in and I also guessed that she’d write an entire album about their split and it’d outsell 25. Others blamed Justin Bieber, because they thought the noises at the beginning of Adele’s performance were guitar sounds and the Canadian tampon berry performed after her. They thought that sound was him practicing backstage. I was okay with that theory, because Adele is considered an international treasure and the United Nations would probably punish the Biebs for ruining her performance by sending him to a North Korean labor camp. Here’s Adele’s glitchy performance:

The Grammy people and Adele later explained what happened. The mics in the piano fell onto the strings and fucked it all up. Only us peons watching on TV at home heard the mess-up. But Adele no care, because she’s Adele and she later drowned that off-performance in animal sauce.

Adele and I are the same! Sort of. I had In-N-Out on Sunday, but not because my Grammy performance was a technical mess. I had it because it’s my religion and eating it is my version of receiving communion. A Double-Double is my Body of Christ.

And Adele wasn’t the only one who had a shaky performance, obviously. After Taylor Swift’s performance, she “cried” because she missed a note:

Um, I think what Taylor meant is that she missed ALL the notes. My hero-of-the-night Tori Kelly (whoever that is) knows what I’m talking about:


Tori Kelly made that “Did I really just get a Pitbull CD for Christmas?” bitch face during feminist icon Taylor Swift’s female empowerment speech. But I guess all of our faces would be permanently set to STANK if we lost an award to that All About That Bass chick.

Pics: Wenn.com

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