The Ashley Madison Hackers Finally Released All That Hacked Information

August 19, 2015 / Posted by: Allison

Good news for stores that sell lighter fluid and matches: today is the day a whole lot of shit gets dumped on the front lawn and lit it on fire. Wired says the hackers who snuck into cheating website AshleyMadison.com (or as it’s known today, “That slut skank (plate smash) hobag Ashley Madison“) last month and stole a whole mess of user information have made good on their threat to leak it all. On Tuesday, a data dump of 9.7 gigabytes hit the internet, which included email addresses, credit card transactions, and member profiles. If you want to know what it’s like for Ashley Madison members this morning, just watch the “That’s not mine!” scene from Austin Powers over and over again.

So far, nobody has found any profiles or email addresses belonging to famous types. Although Wired says one email in the dump appears to belong to former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair. Then again, that could just be some British dude who picked the first name he saw after frantically attempting to open a new browser window on his laptop when his wife walked into the room.

The Impact Team (what the Ashley Madison hackers call themselves) released the information because Avid Life Media, who owns Ashley Madison and Established Men, refused to take their sites down. Well, DUH! Of course they didn’t; money is money. The Impact Team also threw up a little statement titled “Time’s Up!” with the data dump that read:

“Find someone you know in here? Keep in mind the site is a scam with thousands of fake female profiles. See ashley madison fake profile lawsuit; 90-95% of actual users are male. Chances are your man signed up on the world’s biggest affair site, but never had one. He just tried to. If that distinction matters.

“Find yourself in here? It was ALM that failed you and lied to you. Prosecute them and claim damages. Then move on with your life. Learn your lesson and make amends. Embarrassing now, but you’ll get over it.”

I’m sure there’s totally some dude who is like “No way…they’re lying. I totally had an affair. I had like, 12 affairs. Seriously. They’re lying. I got so laid. Their names? Uh…there was this chick named Ashley…and another one named…uh…Madison…“

Tags: This Is Not Going To End Well

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