Andre Leon Talley Is Not Gay

Just typing the name “Andre Leon Talley” makes my b-hole tingle and poot out a silk taffeta ribbon, but he tells Vanity Fair (via Towleroad)  that contrary to those Republican First Lady loafers on his feets, he is not gay. Most assumed that Andre Leon Talley is gayer than me belting out “Defying Gravity” from Wicked while waiting to buy a Mint Oreo Blizzard at a Dairy Queen drive-thru, but he doesn’t put any labels on himself. He’s had very, very gay experiences (like posing in that picture above), but he doesn’t consider himself strictly dickly. ALT says that he’s only been in love with two humans and they both had vaginas. Once you finish picking your blown mind up from across the room, read what ALT had to say after Vanity Fair asked him if he ever thought he was gay, even in high school:

“No, no, no. I was just into my magazines and the drawings. I had a very strict upbringing, almost puritanical. I lived there all the way through college. I was in my grandmother’s house, and I respected that!”

[I have] had very gay experiences, yes, I swear on my grandmother’s grave that I never slept with a single designer in my life. Never, ever desired, never was asked, never was approached, never, ever bought, in my entire career. Never. Not one. Skinny or fat. Never.

I just said to a friend, ‘I can create this magic, so why don’t I have a lover?’ [But] if I was a couple, I wouldn’t like to stay in the same bedroom. It is very un-chic in Europe to sleep in the same bedroom.”

Very un-chic in Europe to sleep in the same bedroom?! I always knew Andre Leon Talley was the spirit of an 80-year-old Austrian countess circa 1899 trapped in the body of a big, American black man. But ALT pretty much being a-sexual makes a whole lot of sense. Because bumping bare fuck parts with another human is totally overrated when you’re Andre Leon Talley and can cream out your orifices by twirling around in a geisha graduation robe.