Bradley Cooper Denied Taylor Swift’s Ass

January 15, 2013 / Posted by:

Taylor Swift’s 2013 started off with Harry Styles dropping her on a boat headed to ByeBitchville, but she’s not going to let that stop her from finding love another famous dude to keep her ass in the tabloids for a while. Taylor asked her publicist to start scouting locations for future photo-ops and she covered the walls of the stalker room in her attic with pictures of Bradley Cooper, because she wanted him to be her next trick. Yes, that means it’s okay for moms everywhere to unchain their barely legal sons from the water heater in the garage, because Taylor is in the mood for older pieces now.

A source tells Radar that Taylor of Sluttybrook Farms asked Jennifer Lawrence to set her up with B. Coop. B. Coop has already said that if he was starting to grow pubes before you were born, he’s not trying to date you. So when Jennifer Lawrence told B. Coop that Taylor wanted to date him, he shut The Squint down.

“Bradley has absolutely no intention of getting together with Taylor. First of all, her reputation precedes her. Bradley is very wary of dating someone who is a bit of a serial dater like Taylor. He thinks she’s far too young for him and wants to date someone his own age, not 16-years younger because he’s ready for something serious. It was a little awkward for Bradley . Jennifer came to him and told him that Taylor was interested in getting together. He had to politely decline, knowing full well that Jennifer and Taylor are friends. It was an ambitious move from Taylor, but she’s going to have fixate on someone else as Bradley’s just not that into her.”

I know, this story is TOO true. I’m shocked it didn’t come from CNN. But really, when Bradley Cooper banishes you from his presence it’s time to re-train with your beard sensei Renee Zellweger or think long and hard about your future as a lifelong beard. Because damn, how the beard has fallen. Next thing you know, Taylor will be dating Richard Simmons (I hope this happens).

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