Beyonce Out, Esperanza Spalding

October 10, 2012 / Posted by:

Because Beyonce is a highly-talented and skilled thespian whose daddy did her wrong by not buying her an Oscar for delivering the line “I’ll show you crazy!” in Obsessed, Clint Eastwood cast her in the 10 millionth remake of A Star Is Born. They were supposed to start shooting several centuries ago, but because Beyonce got busy with feeding liquid gold to the chosen one and Clint Eastwood was too busy fighting with chairs, that mess never went into pre-production. And now, Beyonce is exiting stage left and she’s blaming it on “scheduling conflicts.” Yeah, that’s just a publicist’s way of saying that Beyonce doesn’t want to have to get crazy on some pepaw ass when Clint starts dissing her man, Obama, on set. That’s a shame, because I really want to see Invisible Obama get up out of his chair when Beyonce and Clint start fighting about him.

Variety says that even though this remake is turning about to be a disaster, Clint still wants to make it and now he wants to cast jazz singer and Belieber enemy, Esperanza Spalding, in the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role. Clint can’t even make an offer to Esperanza until they cast the male lead and every actor in Hollywood is running from that role like it’s some stank puss. Christian Bale turned it down. Leonardo DiCatchAHo shook his head no to it. And even Tommy Girl, who LOVES musicals, doesn’t want any part of it. Clint is trying to get Bradley Cooper, but so far, nothing.

Screw Beyonce and screw Bradley Cooper! Clint doesn’t need them. Clint Eastwood should show them all by casting himself in the Kris Kristofferson role and a chair with a wig on it in the Babs role. A wig-wearing chair has more acting talent than Beyonce, anyway.

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