“Basketball Wives” Is Gonna Be REAL Fucked Up Next Season

There is no reason for anyone to be hitting anyone else unless someone is trying to kill you, your children are in danger, your mother is being raped or WE stops running Golden Girls reruns. Damn.

Basketball Wives tigress (and emitter of the classic “non-muthafuckin’ factor” read) Evelyn Lozada had to make an unscheduled trip to the ER last night. Her husband, Miami Dolphin Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson, allegedly head-butted her during an argument. Ow? Dude has a prominent forehead so Evelyn is lucky her own melon is still attached to the rest of her gold-diggin’ body.

TMZ sez that Lozada found a receipt for condoms in Chad’s ride, and those rubbers obviously hadn’t seen the inside of her vagine. She confronted him about it, and that was when he supposedly Chris Brown-ed her. Chad claims it was an accident, but he was still arrested and booked on a single domestic charge and will soon be out on $2,500 bond.

Evelyn had lacerations (yikes) on her forehead and was taken to the hospital in Florida. She’s since been released.

Was this just for the cameras? That’s awful to think. But this is exactly the sort of “storyline” that takes place on that show. I don’t hate to say it – Basketball Wives regularly features people acting like rabid animals and fistfights abound over things like imagined dirty looks, insinuations that people aren’t being “real,” and unsent party invites. People get paid to act gross, and producers encourage their antics to make it more enjoyable to watch. My head is hung, because I am guilty as fuck for perpetuating it because I watch this shit along with everyone else. Mostly because Tami Roman is my favorite television drunk. Her journey from “It wasn’t not funny” on The Real World: Los Angeles to “Bougie Bitch. I’m going to get some fucking t-shirts made that say “Bougie Ass Bitch!” on Wives has thrilled and inspired me.

But then it leads to crazy like this. Dude used that big cranium to HEADBUTT his wife. Time the fuck out, everyone. Let’s keep our melons to ourselves.

Mugshot (and a picture from their wedding) below.

Eminem Gets Him Some Pink

There’s my girl Pink, looking like she just bit something off of Eminem that he’s going to miss.  I like her. Girlfriend just expresses herself, with less than a fraction of a fuck to give about what anybody feels about it. She is the teeny bit girly girl meets tomboy break your ass in half extravaganza.  HEARTS.

In the near future, she is doing a compilation with the equally adored by me (in an abrasive and scary as fuck way) Eminem on her upcoming The Truth About Love.  I’m actually ingrigued to see what these two SUCK IT SOCIETY, I DO WHAT I WANT!! hoes come up with. They’ve worked together before, when Pink backed his ass up (mmmmmm hmmm!!) on Won’t Back Down on his Recovery LP in ’10.

According to Daily Mail, in one of the most eloquent interviews ever given to Australia’s Herald Sun, she says primly while stroking her pearls with an extended pinkie:

“He said, “Do you want to do a song with me?” “F*** yeah!”
I said, “Do you want to do a song with me?” and he said, “F*** yeah!”
‘Handshake. Nothing signed. Done.”

Okay, first of all can we all agree that there should be a lot more “FUCK YEAH” at work and a lot less “yes ma’am/sir, I would be SO happy to assist you”?? Wouldn’t it make the work day so much better? I could actually look forward to that shit then.
“You want this burger and fries bitch?”
“Fuck yeah! Do you want me to pay you?”
“Fuck yeah!”

And second, fuck yeah.

Imagine hanging out with these two backstage at the concert. Shit would be busted all to hell, bitches would be dancing on the chairs, toilets would be destroyed, random objects would be burning….HOT!! I am so forwarding this to them in hopes of a back stage pass, even though I will probably jump a fence to get into the concert without paying because the door guy has already been blown. Twice. Don’t judge me.

And to celebrate Pink’s motherly side, here are a couple of pics of her with Carey and baby girl Willow looking like the perfect super tatted family while chilling in Malibu.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

You might be hung all the way over this Sunday and so your heavy, post-drunken head is already bowing to keep the room from spinning the voms out of your throat. If you’re not doing the hungover head bow, then bow your head anyway. Because this hero bitch right here, Amanda the German Shepherd mix, is the greatest mother on earth and deserves everyone’s respect!

Radar says that when the house in Rosa de Temuco, Chile that Amanda and her litter of new puppies were staying at caught on fire due to a car bomb going off nearby, the situation looked bleak and it seemed like heaven would be getting a visit from a whole lot of puppies. But Amanda wasn’t about to let that happen. If Amanda was White Oprah, she’d save her stash of Internet-bought Adderall first, then she’d save the bottle of Stoli she cuddles with every night and if she had some time, she’d save her main money maker Lindsay Lohan. But Amanda is not White Oprah. Amanda immediately tried to save all of her puppies.

Firefighters say that they all grew ovaries and all of their newly grown ovaries burst when they watched Amanda run out of the burning house with a puppy in her mouth. Amanda dropped her puppy into the open storage bin on the side of the firetruck and then ran back into the house to get the next puppy. Amanda did this until all of her puppies were out of the house. It’s true that like me, dogs get the sudden urge to lick their assholes about every 5 minutes, but Amanda fought that urge to save her own.

Sadly, one of Amanda’s puppies was severely burned and is now up in heaven, taking a break from nibbling on the clouds of bacon with the other angel dogs to call its mom a bad bitch. Amanda and her puppy babies were taken to a vet and are now up for adoption. Amanda shouldn’t be up for adoption! Amanda should be given every badge of courage and she should be given the job of director of life-saving in Chile. Amanda knows how to do it.

If you’re a cat bitch, I just to ask you this: Would your cat ever do this? (“No, but my cat would stop the fire with its icy cold cunt glare.” – you “Good point.” – me)

And will somebody please dust in here? I’ve got something in my eye and I don’t like feeling things!

Birthday Sluts

George Hamilton (73)
Justin Gaston (24)
Dominique Swain (32)
Casey Affleck (37)
Michael Ian Black (41)
Yvette Nicole Brown (41)
Rebecca Gayheart (41)
Pete Sampras (41)
Tanita Tikaram (43)
Peter Krause (47)
Sir Mix-a-Lot (49)
Miss Cleo (50)
Bruce Greenwood (56)
Dana Ivey (71)