NOOOOOOOOOOO

PLEASE do not disfigure Richard Simmons, EVER. Who could do such a thing? In this video from TMZ, some Asian guy (okay, stop with the Asian driving jokes) did just that, and watch how Richard handles his flattened foot situation. Too cute.

Richard Simmons is the hot slut of this and every generation, okay??? RECOGNIZE, step off (his foot, no seriously, step off), and give a little love to the man who believes that fitness is fun while the rest of us just go "meh" and scratch at our hairy FUPAS.

Go Richard!

A small plane carrying Mexican-American singer Jenni Rivera went totally missing early this morning after it fell off the radar. AP (via HuffPo) says that after performing at a show in Monterrey, Mexico, Jenni, two pilots and four others all got on a small plane headed for Toluca. The plane took off at around 3:30 am and flew about 62 miles before it lost contact with radar. The U.S. Learjet 25 was supposed to land in Toluca at 4:40 am, but it didn't.

Mexican officials say that several helicopters are searching for the plane now. Jenni's publicist was also on the jet and he tweeted pictures from her show last night, before they got on the plane.

43-year-old Jenni was born in Long Beach and lives in Encino, CA with her 5 children. Jenni has sold almost 15 million records worldwide and is also the star of the reality show I Love Jenni. Jenni recently just signed a deal with ABC for her own sitcom. Jenni's had a whole lot of escandalosoness in her life. After she filed for divorce from her husband two years ago, he was accused of having an affair with her daughter. Her daughter denied it.

This doesn't look good at all, but hopefully La Gran Senora is fine and will be pouring beer on the heads of young girls for years to come.

UPDATE: Officials say they found the wreckage of the crashed plane and there were no survivors. The crash was apparently so intense and hard that there's pieces of the plane scattered all over the place. Two pilots, Jenni Rivera, Jenni's make-up artist Jacob Yebale, her lawyer and her manager were all on board. Here's the last known picture of Jenni that was tweeted by Jacob Yebale before the plane took off:

Rest in peace.

And now I'll go and console some of my family members by pouring a beer over their heads, because they are probably losing their minds over this news.

We all have two options:

1. Curse at Lainey at Lainey Gossip for writing a blind item that was made one of hundred percent fact.

or

2. Grab a soggy waffle and do the slow wall slide before becoming a sad puddle of misery on the floor. Because People just said this:

Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are calling it quits.

The comedic stars, who wed in August 2003, are ending their marriage, a rep for both actors confirms to PEOPLE. The couple are parents to two sons – Archie, 3½, and Abel, 2.

And we have to hear it from People?! Amy and Will didn't even knock on each one of our doors, sit us on the sofa and tell us to hug our favorite sofa pillow (you know you have one) before breaking the news to us gently and telling us that everything okay and we'll see Will every other weekend (because NetFlix will start airing the new Arrested Development episodes early and every other weekend to help us deal with this tragic news)?

Let's just cancel marriage altogether since it's obviously a LIE! Jennifer Aniston had it right for so long. It's best to stay a miserable, lonely,  dog-hoarding, dry in the pussy spinster who fills her empty heart with tequila. Because unlike love, tequila never does us wrong. (Cut to me in five minutes, opening up my kitchen cabinet to find an empty bottle of Patron. DAMMIT ALL TO COLD SHIT!)

Mayim Bialik was driving in her white Volvo past the intersection of Hollywood Blvd. and La Brea around noon today when a car full of tourists from Chile hit the shit out of her. Mayim was alone and banged up in a bad way. Witnesses tell TMZ that there was blood everywhere and that paramedics immediately took Mayim to the hospital, because one of her fingers was just dangling off of her hand. Yes, that image just turned my whoas into nooooooooo-as.

Mayim also has other injuries on her hand and she's currently being treated at the nearest hospital, and I really hope Six LeMeure shows up with Blossom's favorite sunflower hat. I also hope that Mayim doesn't lose her finger and if she loses her finger I hope it's not a middle one, because she's going to need both middle fingers to double flip off those Chilean bitches who ran into her.

And while she's laid up in the hospital, Blossom should take her medicine. This will make her feel better.

Or not.

UPDATE: The prayer circle worked! Blossom is not losing a finger. All is right in the world again and now she can use all her fingers to plug her ears whenever that Joey Lawrence song starts playing somewhere.