Ann Curry

Before and after Ann Curry was dumped from the Today show, there were dozens of stories about how Matt Lauer was the one who ordered a hit out on her and he's the one who drafted her walking papers. Fuel was added to that fire when Ann hugged everybody but Matt on her last day. With Good Morning America beating Today in the ratings, Matt is now trying something called last-minute damage control. Matt tells The Daily Beast that while everyone was thinking he's the one who dragged Ann out the exit door, he was telling NBC to give her more time as his co-anchor.

Some source tells The Daily Beast that when Matt was told that Ann was out, he begged them to give her more time before pushing her into a smaller role. Steve Capus, the former president of NBC News, backed up that source's claim by queefing this out:

“When Matt was informed that we had made this decision, his good counsel was to go slow, to take care of Ann, and to do the right things. He was quietly and publicly a supporter of Ann’s throughout the entire process. It is unfair that Matt has shouldered an undue amount of blame for a decision he disagreed with.”

Matt admits that before Ann was let go, he took her to lunch and told her that he initially didn't want her as his co-host. Ann didn't have an agent at the time, so Matt advised her to get one right away. Ann already had an open sore on her heart from knowing that she was about to lose her job and then Matt pissed on that open sore by telling her he never wanted her to have the job in the first place. How nice of him. Matt really is supporting.

Matt then said that he knows Ann's firing wasn't handled very well.

“I don’t think the show and the network handled the transition well. You don’t have to be Einstein to know that. It clearly did not help us. We were seen as a family, and we didn’t handle a family matter well.

In some ways being No. 2 in the ratings is a real shot in the arm, a kick in the pants. It makes you hungrier ... I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have a fire lit under your ass.”

What I got from this piece is that when Matt takes you out for a work lunch, he's only taking you out to tell you that he wishes he wasn't having lunch with you, because he wishes you weren't hired to work alongside him in the first place. What I also got from this piece is that Matt likes his side hos to dip their fingers in some hot sauce before fingering his b-hole.

While most of the Internet focused all their attention on Katie Holmes' real-life remake of Prison Break yesterday, NBC quietly released a statement confirming the DUH of all DUHs. No, they didn't confirm that when you squeeze Matt Lauer too hard, a fountain of Summer's Eve will shoot out of his mouth. They confirmed that Savannah Guthrie's got Ann Curry's old job now, so get used to it. They made it clear on yesterday's show that Savannah is the new co-host, but they didn't officially announce it on air. It's kind of like when my mom and dad split, and my dad made me hang out with him and his new girlfriend without telling me exactly who she was. It was obvious, though. So yesterday, I looked at Savannah through the screen the same way I looked at my dad's new piece. With eyes that said, "I know why you're here and I don't like it, bitch."

Here's the BLAH BLAH BLAHs the president of NBC News released to The Washington Post and everybody else yesterday:

“As soon as Savannah joined NBC News she was a standout, reporting for every franchise in the news division and rising through the ranks. She has a one-of-a-kind combination of sharp wit and approachability, and our viewers value her journalistic skills and legal background just as much as her humor and charm. She can effortlessly go from interviewing the Secretary of State to jumping Olympic-sized hurdles on the Plaza. I’m thrilled to welcome Savannah as our newest co-anchor, and along with Matt, Al and Natalie, we’ve got the best morning team in the business.”

They probably went with Savannah over Natalie Morales, Hoda Kotb and Tamron Hall, because she's almost like a Katie Couric Lite. Savannah seems nice, is smart, is pretty harmless and non-conterverisal. In other words:

No, that is not me 20 years ago. I'm too basic to pull off lime green tights.

(the basic bitch siren call via Slog) 

Ann Curry announced on Today this morning the news we've all known for weeks: NBC did her dirty by pushing her out as co-host after just a year on the job. As Ann announced that today is her last day as co-host, she choked on Matt Lauer's smugness and cried, because she had to be a professional and resist the tempting urge to strangle him in front of the cameras. Ann said that she's staying at the network and will travel the world covering serious news stories for NBC News and Today. Ann said that she loves the viewers, will miss the viewers, especially loves the crew and hopes that Matt drowns in a pool of his own shit. Okay, Ann didn't say that last part, but I'm pretty sure I saw that line sitting at the tip of her tongue, waiting to fly.

Ann ended her BYE BITCHES speech by saying, "For all of you, who saw me as a groundbreaker, I'm sorry I couldn't carry the ball over the finish line, but I did try." Then Matt, Al Roker and Natalie Morales took turns telling their favorite Ann stories from the past 14 years. It felt like I was watching a memorial service with bright lightning. Ann isn't DEAD! I don't even know why Ann cried unless she was crying warm tears of happiness. Ann is getting millions of dollars in her exit settlement, doesn't have to look at Matt's baby ostrich head anymore and no longer has to go to bed when Jeopardy! comes on TV. Ann is the real winner here.

The most awkward part was when Ann hugged Al, hugged Natalie and didn't even try to hug Matt. We all know that feeling. Sometimes you don't hug a bitch you hate, because you're afraid that your arms will take over and squeeze that trick until their internal organs pour of their mouth. Then you'll do a dance on that bitch's insides. Ann probably felt that would be a little much for morning television.

Ann also gave an interview to USA Today last night where she said that she knew she was going to get fired and is sad to go, because the Today co-host job has been her dream job. Ann also said that the leaks about her firing have "hurt her deeply" and she doesn't blame herself for why Today's ratings are dropping. When asked about Matt, Ann said this:

"Obviously he's considered the golden boy of morning television. He's so good when you sit next to him; it's hard not to be helped by that. He's funny and glib, and he knows how the show works. It's been my honor in this last year to sit next to him."

GLIB!!! That tickling sensation Matt feels in his ears is from Tommy Girl loudly cackling in the distance. And with that subtle shade, Ann wins again. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, assholes, goodbye!

Because I won't stop posting HIGHLY interesting gossip about the co-hosts of the fucking Today show until I totally reach the "midnight snack at 8" demographic, here's some more HIGHLY interesting gossip about the co-hosts of Today. In my sorta defense, it's summertimes, it's kind of slow, there's not much going on and it was either this or a video about a horrific wall of Teddy Ruxpins. (That's next.)

Either this week or early next, Ann Curry will jump down the inflatable escape slide while flipping off all those bitches who did her wrong. The producers of Today are preparing Savannah Guthrie for the co-host job by spraying her down with douche repellent so Matt Lauer doesn't try to grope her while they're sitting next to each other. Savannah was picked over Natalie Morales and Page Six says that has Natalie pissing shit. Natalie was mad when the producers chose Ann Curry over her and now she's really mad that they've screwed her over again by going with Savannah. Sources tell Page Six that Natalie could follow Ann Curry down that inflatable escape slide, because she's sick of getting shafted by the producers. Speaking of getting shafted...

The National Enquirer says that the reason why the producers didn't offer the job to Natalie Morales is because Matt Lauer's wife Annette threatened to stab their marriage in the heart if that happened. Annette knows all about the rumors that Matt passed his peen to Natalie and she doesn't want them to get any closer than they already are. A source put it like this:

“When she heard about Ann getting the boot, the first thing Annette told Matt was that she didn’t want him cozying up any closer to Natalie. In fact, Annette drew a line in the sand and said if he pushed show bosses to make Natalie his new co-host, she’d divorce him! Annette knows Matt is the key to the ‘Today’ franchise and his bosses will put whoever he wants in the co-host chair.

I heard that Matt had an extramarital affair with gorgeous Natalie, and he’s the father of one of her kids. Everyone’s buzzing that the boy looks just like him.”

When I look at Natalie's son, I don't have the sudden urge to launch the word "glib" from my tongue, so I doubt he's half Lauer.

NBC shouldn't stop at firing Ann. They should fire everybody and redo the entire show. They should stick a hidden camera in Matt Lauer's crotch bush and show 4 hours of the adventures of his wandering peen, because that shit sounds more interesting than anything on Today. Kathie Lee Gifford can narrate it from the bottom of her wine closet.

It's not going to be Hoda Kotb or Meredith V or my personal choice Willard Scott. Savannah Guthrie will sit on the co-anchor chair that will have a revenge fart from Ann Curry on it. Savannah's the one all the way to the right who's giving that dried green paint some competition in the no personality contest.

TMZ says that Savannah's deal to be Today's new co-host is signed, sealed and awaiting delivery. Today isn't announcing her as the new co-host until they wrap shit up with Ann Curry. Ann has two years left on her $30 million 3-year contract and she wants the full $20 million to go away. NBC has offered her $10 million and a job as a foreign correspondent for NBC News, but Ann is shaking her head no to that shit deal. Ann is fucking done professionally with NBC and wants to leave the network for good. Ann wants her $20 million and nothing else.

Ann needs to put her hands around that NBC peacock's betraying bitch of a neck and not let go until that whore coughs up all $20 million. I had this customer service job once and one of my co-workers got fired for being a bitch to the customers. Did I mention that I loved her so? Well, when they pink-slipped her ass they told her she needed to come back the next day to sign some exit papers and pick up her last check. This bitch refused to sashay out the exit door until they put her last check in her hands. She sat on her chair, hugged her pocketbook and quietly talked shit to herself about her supervisors and the job. I played Mimi's "Hero" on a loop on my computer speakers. The bosses eventually gave in and gave her the check. That's what Ann needs to do. Sit in her chair and tell those bitches her legs aren't going to work until they drop $20 million into her checking account.

And about Savannah as the new co-host.... I was hoping if it wasn't going to be Hoda or Tamron Hall, it would be Natalie Morales. But I guess that would be awkward, because when I Googled "Natalie Morales Matt Lauer" this came up:

But then again, when I Googled "Savannah Guthrie Matt Lauer" this came up:

And "Ann Curry Matt Lauer":

And this (no, that is definitely not sloppily 'Shopped to shit, shut up):

So I guess if NBC wanted a co-host who hasn't been winked at by Matt Lauer's peen, there only option would be Al Roker. I think.

Ann Curry is pretty much out as co-host of Today and NBC will move her into a fancier role as foreign correspondent any day now. Everybody knows this now, but nobody knows who will get to inhale huge amounts of musky smugness while sitting next to Matt Lauer. Many have said that Matt will set next to a boiled, bland rutabaga who goes by the name of Savannah Guthrie, but Radar says that isn't happening. NBC has put several replacement possibilities in front of focus groups and they weren't feeling it for Savannah. But they were feeling it for Kathie Lee Gifford's partner in morning time drunkery Hoda Kotb. They all burp up hearts for Hoda and they think she should be pried away from Kathie Lee's pinot-stained claws to host the first two hours of Today. A source put it like this:

"Hoda scores off the charts in focus groups, and the audience can relate to her.

Hoda has a hard news background but is extremely comfortable discussing pop culture issues. She just has a warmth that viewers find comforting. She was very public with her breast cancer battle, and allowed cameras to follow her during her cancer treatments on Today. Hoda is a team player, and is so well liked by everyone at the show, most importantly, Matt Lauer. They have a very easy rapport and mutual respect.

The problem with Savannah is that in focus groups, she just doesn't score as high as Hoda does. NBC has been conducting focus groups to assist the network executives in determining who should replace Ann. Savannah is an extremely talented journalist, and she is extremely bright, but she only recently joined Today and viewers just aren't as comfortable with her."

I've always liked Hoda, because she's the patient friend who will calmly listen to the drunk ramblings of ridiculousness that pour out of your booze hole. Every drunk bitch needs a friend like that and Kathie Lee has hers in Hoda. That's why they can't tear Hoda and Kathie Lee apart. They belong together like gin and juice, like drunks and disco fries, like cooking wine and Shasta (don't act like you've never put those two together when you're out of wine coolers)...

What is Kathie Lee's drunk ass going to do without Hoda there to keep her in check? Kathie Lee's just going to sit at that table, licking on a bottle of a wine, because she's already so drunk that she forgot how to open one and is just going to lick through the glass to get to the delicious sweet nectar. Actually, that's some shit I want to see. HIRE HODA!

Ann Curry will soon let out her last "good morning, good morning, good morning, everybody, morning" as co-host of Today, because Matt Lauer hates her and he's hoping that for his next edition of "Where in the World Is Matt?" he'll report from her vacant office. For months now, there's been rumors that the producers of Today can't wait to pink slip Ann, and when Matt resigned, he let them know that he really wants a new co-host. Cut to last night when The New York Times reported that the producers will push Ann out of the anchor chair any day now. They're hoping to get Ann out before the Olympics start. So your dream of seeing Ann awkwardly say "mmmm hmmmm" next to a topless Michael Phelps has been crushed!

TMZ says that the NBC peacock put on its trench coat, covered its face with a fedora and met Meredith Vieira in a dark alley to offer her the co-anchor job back. Ann got the job a year ago after Meredith quit, because she was sick of waking up at the hour of the ungods and wanted to spend more time with her family. Meredith turned their asses down, but will stay on as a special correspondent.

Since Meredith is over that shit, NBC has put third hour co-host Savannah Guthrie at the top of their list. Some sources say that NBC will make Ann a foreign correspondent since she's better at reporting from Darfur than asking Kim Kardashian how often she bleaches her asshole hair.

Yeah, Savannah Gurthie is their top choice. They can choose between Savannah, Natalie Mortales and Tamron Hall, and they go with Savannah's unflavored oatmeal ass? That's like saying Shelley Hack is your favorite Charlie's Angel.

Watching Ann interview guests during a fluff piece is about as pleasant as having butt sex with a cactus, but she's not the main problem. I watch that mess every day and every day they show me a viral video I watched three weeks ago, show me how to make a salad, show me the latest summer trends in white capris and force feed me Star Jones' opinion on stupid shit. So yeah, what I'm saying is that it's Star Jones' fault. BLAME STAR JONES.

"Guuuuuuurrl, what's that smell?" is a line that came out of the mouth of Ryan Seacrest's assistant this morning and his assistant quickly learned that smell was the lump of sad he made in his underoos after finding out that he's not going to replace Matt Lauer on Today after all. Matt Lauer will glib another day, and then some, because he has signed a new long-term deal to stay on as the co-host of Today for years to come. Matt's current contract expires later this year.

There's a reason why in the picture above Matt looks as awkwardly uncomfortable as GOOPY Paltrow when someone wearing clothes from Sears tries to hug her. Gawker reported almost two weeks ago that Matt wants Today to be a Curry-free zone and would only sign a new contract if the producers dropped her ass. Good Morning America has beat Today in the ratings for the first time in the history of forever and Matt is blaming the stale chemistry between him and Ann Curry for that. So since Matt has signed on, I'm guessing that Ann Curry will soon be saying "good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning" to the clerk at the unemployment office.

I liked Ann Curry before she took over for Meredith, but ever since then it's been painful to watch her. The worst is when Ann interviews a family that has just suffered a tragedy and she has to show with her face that she cares. I haven't seen that kind of blatant overacting since I watched a porn star wearing a dildo hat pretend like she was getting pleasure from another porn star humping it. I swear, a bowl of old curry has better interviewing skills than Ann Curry does.

Today should fire Ann, demote Matt to wine pourer and give Hoda & Kathie Lee all four hours. The ratings would plummet, but Joel McHale's heart would soar.