TV speaker repair shop owners are in a real panic today. Their business is about to lose probably its biggest sector. People aren’t going to be coming in for their bi-monthly speaker repair anymore because the master of screaming, howling, hollering and so forth, Nancy Grace, is saying “adios” to HLN and her current show, Nancy Grace. Which is good news for me, because it means HLN can hire me to scream at people and make unfounded accusations on TV and finally live out my dream.
Man Finds Out That His 12-Year-Old Son Is Alive And He Learns It From Basic Cable’s Greatest Monster
Charles Bothuell IV’s 12-year-old son, Charles “Charlie” Bothuell, went messing on June 14th after he walked out of the family’s Detroit townhouse instead. Charlie never came back and in the days after he went missing, his family, the Detroit PD and everyone looked everywhere for him. Detective La Toya Jackson was flown in (no, she wasn’t) to get to the bottom of it and Detective Courtney Love was given Google maps of the area (no, she wasn’t) so she could use her excellent detective skills to find the kid. Charles went on Nancy Grace’s show on HLN (stands for Hysterical Lunatics Network) on Tuesday night to beg the public to help him find his son. Real quick side question: When did Nancy Grace start caring about kids that aren’t white girls? That’s the real mystery that needs to be solved.
During the interview, the asshole monster that Dr. Frankenstein created using the corpse of a rabid hyena, a helmet made of hay and 12 tubes of expired liquid eyeliner heard from one of her producers that Charlie was found in the family’s basement. The same basement that was searched by everyone including Charles, Charles’ wife and police with cadaver dogs. Nancy is about as soothing and comforting as a blow job from a crocodile with an overbite, so as soon as she tells Charles that Charlie is alive and well, she makes a face that says, “The hoax is up, bitch.” While Charles reacts to the news that his son is okay, Nancy grills him and asks, “Did you check the basement?“, “Did you check your cell phone?” and “You’re telling us you and your wife searched the basement?”
Charles’ reaction is a little suspect, because if that was me and I learned that the missing 12-year-old kid I’ve been losing sleeping over magically appeared in the basement I searched a thousand times, I’d rip my mic off and say to Nancy, “Gotta go, bitch, I have some ass whoopin’ to do.” But in Charles’ defense, anybody would be stunned and bewildered if this face stared at them through a monitor:
You’re feeling stunned and bewildered, right? See what Nancy’s face does.
Local 4 Detroit says that Charlie was found barricaded behind boxes and a five-gallon drum in the basement. They don’t think he barricaded himself. Detroit Police Chief James Craig told reporters that the kid looked happy to see them and they’re not ruling out the possibility that his parents knew he was okay and hiding in the basement the whole time.
Well, my guess is that Charlie finally came out of hiding, because he found out his dad was going on Nancy Grace. Shit has gone too, too far when your daddy starts talking to that crazy bitch.
If you happen to see a head covered in a helmet of blond hair flying by your window, it’s just Nancy Grace! Nancy’s head exploded, because Jodi Arias was found guilty of first-degree murder today. Who is Nancy Grace going to scream at now? I was going to say Ariel Castro, but he’s not a pretty white girl, so Nancy Grace will have to keep trolling the police scanners for the next object of her shrieking.
Detective La Toya has hung up her magnifying glass now that she’s officially gotten to the bottom of EVERYTHING and I’ve been waiting to see who would inherit to her deerstalker cap. Enter crazy ass bitch Nancy Grace who wants to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING, everything being Whitney Houston’s death. It’s looking like Whitney’s Calgon nightmare happened because she overdosed, but Nancy Grace isn’t buying it. During an interview with CNN the other day, Nancy said she wants to know who gave Whitney those pills and who let Whitney drown in the tub. Dun dun dun…
“I’d like to know who was around her, who, if anyone gave her drugs…and who let her slip, or pushed her, underneath that water? Apparently, no signs of force or trauma to the body. Who let Whitney Houston go under the water? They were medicating her out the yin-yang.”
“Is this going to medicate me out of the ying-yang?” is what I’m going to ask the clerk at CVS when I buy my next box of Claritin, because that is a phrase that needs to be used more often.
I’m happy that Detective Nancy is searching the foggy cobblestone streets for clues into the death of Whitney Houston since somebody has to, but somebody should also investigate why Nancy Grace suddenly cares about a case that doesn’t involve a missing white woman. Something in the milk ain’t clean about that.
Here’s a clip from Monday night’s Dancing with Nancy Grace’s Personal Pan Nipple of someone’s body part making a noise. Either a bitch’s stomach let out a feeding time howl or a bitch’s butt let out a pooping time howl. The fart (or low-octave queef, or whatever that was) in question sounds it’s coming from Nancy, but she has already told TMZ that it wasn’t her, her partner or Brooke who is physically incapable of making a fart unless she’s instructed to do so on a teleprompter. I believe Nancy. Nancy gets paid top fucking dollar to blow bubbles of shit air out of her mouth on her HLN show every night, why would she do it for free when she’s off the clock? It was just the sound of the demon that lives in her body and operates her soul letting out a looooong ass burp.
By now you’ve probably already pulled out your eyeballs with rusty pliers, marinated them in a pot full of boiling chloroform and shoved them back into your sockets just so you can send a roll of duct tape to the Dancing with the Stars Costume Department Attention: Nancy Grace’s Nipple Handler (aka Satan). But coming to Dlisted proves that you hate yourself so you might as well fully hate yourself by getting a second serving of Nancy’s NSFW succulent titty pepperoni.
It was only a matter of time before “Nancy Grace nip slip” became the #1 search term on AOL in the ninth circle (Yes, in the ninth circle they only have dial-up AOL with NO SECOND PHONE LINE). Last week, Nancy’s chichis were jumping around like her sanity cell trying to find the door marked “Exit” in her brain. It was bound to happen. Nancy’s dance partner is a hot piece in every way so you really can’t blame her chichis for popping a boner of sorts.
But seriously, Nancy’s peek-a-boo nipple plate was a win for three reasons: a) The West Coast cutaway shot of the NOT AMUSED audience members was the perfect response to Nancy’s slippery nipple. b) A Nancy Grace nip slip is like a “Who’s the sexy bitch now?” wink at Casey Anthony. c) Dancing with the Stars definitely needs more nipple slips (I’m looking at you, Tom Berg). It should really just be Nip Slipping with the Stars.
Here’s Nancy doing the Quickstep as her nipple did the Quickjump:
And Nancy’s nip might’ve been the breakout (literally) star of the night, but the runner-up was definitely the hot lady on Tom B’s right who got some much-needed camera time before J.R. Martinez’s dance:
Must’ve been hypnotized (or temporarily blinded) by the nipples in the air.