Weird, right? As soon as I heard that Kim Kardashian was allegedly held at gunpoint by jewel thieves in Paree, I figured that Kunty Karl would immediately drop the virgin he was feeding upon and appear in a Chanel logo-shaped white cloud before her to comfort her. I mean, KK has photographed the lesser KK before, he scribbled out a note of support for her ass and he’s always the epitome of warmth. But if Karl did have a sympathetic bone in his regal vampire body, it wouldn’t feel a thing for Kim. In the Gospel According to Kunty Karl it states that if you’re going to flaunt that luxurious life in front of the peasants, you better protect that luxurious life with the damn A-Team.
What? No! How could anyone be afraid of Courtney Love? She’s just a sometimes-crazy, bad-with-money 52-year-old woman who does not play and hangs out with Sam Lutfi and okay I see it now. Run, Frances Bean Cobain’s ex, run!
Frances Bean Cobain’s husband of 21 months Isaiah Silva, seen above looking like he mutters about “Helter Skelter” a lot, is already trying to keep a guitar that belonged to her dad Kurt Cobain, and now he’s put his gear in full gold digger mode and is going all the way. People reports that Isaiah filed court documents demanding that Frances Bean make out a $25,000 check to him every single month for spousal support. Isaiah is claiming that he needs all that money to take care of his 7-year-old daughter from another relationship, and that Frances Bean coldly abandoned them, leaving them with nothing! If Isaiah doesn’t sadly shuffle into the court room with dirt on his face while singing “Where Is Love?” from Oliver!, I will totally be disappointed in his game.
I’m sure you’re absolutely shocked that a situation involving semi-professional disaster Courtney Love has gotten messy. But if you can believe it, she’s not even the messiest part of this story; that honor goes to the one and only Sam Lutfi.
Last week it was reported that Frances Bean was fighting with her soon-to-be ex-husband Isaiah Silva over a guitar that was used by Kurt Cobain during Nirvana’s MTV Unplugged performance. Isaiah claims the guitar – which is estimated to be worth several million dollars – was a wedding gift from Frances to him. Frances claims she never gave it to him as a gift, and she wants it back. A judge will ultimately decide who gets the guitar, but Courtney Love’s good friend Sam Lutfi is doing everything he can to fix it in Frances’ favor.
It’s time for everyone’s favorite game! Say it with me… I! Feel! OLD! (confetti drops, horns blow, etc). Today’s contestant is Frances Bean! Frances Bean, come on dooooowwwwnnn! Hi, Frances! Some facts for our viewers at home: Frances is 23, her father is the late Kurt Cobain of Nirvana, her mother is national treasure Courtney Love. Frances is recently divorced, and now Frances’s ex-husband is looking to take something very near and dear to the family away: Kurt’s guitar that he played on MTV Unplugged.
That’s right, the grunge queen baby we all remember is not only divorced, she’s going through a messy divorce. She and Isaiah Silva got married last year in a private ceremony that was so private even Courtney wasn’t there. They’d been together for five years prior to that, but eventually got divorced after 21 months of marriage. Seeing as Frances’s inheritance and Kurt’s estate is speculated to be in the neighborhood of $450 million, everyone was guessing that shit would get real nasty with Isaiah trying to grab a chunk of that. But his eyes seem more fixed on a different prize.
According to TMZ, Isaiah – who’s the lead in the band The Eeries – claims Frances gave him Kurt’s famous Martin D-18E guitar from his 1993 MTV Unplugged performance (which is also the last guitar Kurt ever played) as a wedding gift and now he wants to sashay away with it. Which makes sense: grungy musician types would rather walk around with Kurt’s guitar than a big pile of cash or a hefty monthly deposit.
In true Judge Judy fashion, TMZ says that Frances has denied ever giving Isaiah the guitar as a gift, and wants it back. The guitar was once insured for $1 million, but experts think it could be worth way more than that now.
There’s been talk that Frances is seeking to have her premarital assets awarded as separate property so she’s protected, but that she’s open to giving that charlatan spousal support. More importantly, TMZ has video of Courtney’s response to the news of Isaiah trying to take that guitar. Courtney says it’s not his to take. She also says the phrase “treasured family heirloom” approximately 15 times in the short clip. I agree with her on that. I’d also like to respond to Courtney by saying that, you, my dear, are a treasured family heirloom to the human family.
So it’s time once again to remind yourself that we’re all old as shit and will soon be sipping warm water with lemon on the lanai. E! says that Frances Bean Cobain, the 23-year-old former baby of Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain, has gone and secret married her boyfriend of five years, a dude named Isaiah Silva. Obviously, Frances’ dad couldn’t be there because he’s too busy getting noise complaints from his uptight angel neighbors in Heaven. But apparently Frances’ mommy wasn’t there either. According to a source, it was such a secret that Courtney didn’t find out about it until after it happened.
“Courtney loves Isaiah, but was devastated to learn that Frances had gotten married without her knowing,” a source tells us, adding that, “Courtney really likes Isaiah and is very happy for Frances. Courtney is sad she wasn’t at the wedding.”
To make things a little more awkward, the source claims Frances and Isaiah started planning their secret wedding over a year ago and invited 13-15 guests. Or maybe they did invite Courtney, but she thought RSVP stood for “Retain for a Sample Valium Prescription” and never sent it back.
Not really much else is known about Frances Bean’s wedding except that it was inspired by “daisies in mason jars.” Where do you suppose I could find and old priest and a young priest? Because Frances Bean is clearly possessed by Blake Lively and we should probably do an exorcism.
Oh well, that’s just such a shame that Courtney didn’t get invited. Courtney Love only got one shot at serving up eight layers of batshit mother of the bride insanity, and she was DENIED. On the upside, I’m sure Courtney Love would show up to your wedding and provide such services if you asked nicely.
UPDATE: Courtney Love would like you to know she had a good reason for being absent. At least I think she did? Courtney threw up an Instagram picture of herself standing next to a hot model type while looking sort of like a MAC face chart of Baby Jane Hudson with the following caption:
“If you think I’m sorry for being a no-show at any important events this week, think again. I was with @jamesnorley ❤ #candyface #worthflakingonanythingfor #heaven #worthit #slay #bae #cancelallmyappointments #donthate #stud #jealousmuch? Bwahaa xc”
I’m sure her gift is in the mail.