No, that’s not a trick question. I think.
On last night’s season premiere of The Real Menopausal Barbies of Orange County, the original Real Housewife, Vicki Gunvalson, showed us what thousands of dollars, massive amounts of low-self esteem and a silicone chin gets you. After Gretchen’s dried skid mark of a fiance Slade Smiley compared her to Miss Piggy last season, Vicki’s self-esteem plummeted into the gutter with Alexis Bellino’s financial situation. Vicki said she’s always felt unpretty, but Slade’s comments helped to push her under the plastic surgeon scalpel. Vicki had her nose thinned, fat injected into her cheeks and she had a chin implant put in. The picture on the left is Vicki in 2010 and the picture on the right is Vicki last month.
I watched last night and Vicki looked the same to me. Vicki’s face just looked extra squished and swollen. But now that I’m looking at the pictures I see the difference. Vicki’s old face was covered in real human skin and it looked somewhat biodegradable. Vicki’s new face makes her look like she’s got the same complexion as a vanilla candle that has been left out in the sun too long. Those bat pube lashes don’t help either. If Vicki wanted to look like Overly Attached Girlfriend’s grandma, then she got the look she wanted.
And the hell did they do to Vicki’s dimples? Injecting all that fat into her cheeks gave her butt cracks on her face.
Here’s Vicki debuting her “settled” new face on WWHL last night:
For the record, I think Vicki looks better now, but only because she has a pair of beautiful butt cracks framing her mouth.
Despite what the priest at confessional says to you when you cry to him that a slutty lizard keeps crawling through the hole from your dreams to your nightmares to wrap her tongue around your soul, Courtney Stodden did not start out in life as an animatronic Pamela Anderson Real Doll that was solely created by her creepy maker/husband to spit out soft-core porn adjectives on Twitter and constipated sexyfaces during staged photo shoots. There was a time when Courtney was a fresh-faced wholesome girl who probably thought Adderall was add-on sleeves for overalls or something. Crazy Days and Nights (via Jezebel) posted this alleged picture of Courtney before her mother sold her to the liver eater from The X-Files.
This thickens the plot since Courtney’s pimp of a mother swears on the sales receipt the devil gave her that her daughter can be sold in the organic section of any grocery store and she has never been touched by a plastic surgeon’s scalpel. A lot of hos are saying that since Courtney is 17 in CZJ years, she’s probably telling lies about her plastic surgery situation too. But I’m not sure. Courtney sticks out her chest and sucks in so hard while posing that her internal organs probably got sick of suffocating so they traveled up to her tits. She doesn’t have plastic tits, she’s got stomach tits!
I bet if you turned a wet sandblast machine on Courtney and switched off the switch that operates her terrifying snarlface, she’ll look a little closer to 17 instead of looking like she should be passing an apple to Snow White. It’s all the make-up and shit.
The glamorous power of Wet ‘N Wild, Walmart hair bleach and clear bra straps cannot be denied. Mah Boo would totally co-sign that.
On the left is a full bodied Jonah Hill looking like an unshaven fat lesbian going to an SNL theme party as Pat in March ’10, and on the right is a de-chunked Jonah Hill at last night’s ESPY Awards. DAMN is right. No wonder I had zero will to exercise this year (and every year), because this bitch stole it all. OF COURSE, Jonah dropped the chunk from diet and exercise, and not from getting his stomach bag Spanxed while snorting blow cut with Dexatrim in that body sauna from I Love Lucy.
Some say that when you lose weight in your body, you gain old in your face. Now I’m not saying that’s what’s going on here, but the Jonah of today does look like a ginger Eminem at his ITT Tech graduation. But I’m still going to say that NOW Jonah is hotter. I’m only saying that because I’m sure underneath that suit, Jonah’s got a loose skin miniskirt and a back that looks like a Shar Pei puppy frowning. How can I deny a loose skin miniskirt and a sad Shar Pei puppy?
So I’m going through these pictures of LeAnn Rimes with her partner in squintery Eddie Cibrian squinting at an ESPY’s pre-party, and I wanted to remember what she looked like before she survived only on a diet of married dick and Brandi Glanville’s cloned genes. I went all the way back into the 1900s and pulled out the glorious topaz gem on the left (duh) from 1997! Now THAT is a look I can promote.
In case you couldn’t already tell, the answer to my headline question is a heavily hair sprayed THEN!!!! The LeAnn of 1997 was a 15-year-old who got up an hour before everybody else in the house so that she could tease her hair in front of the bathroom mirror (with a picture of Tina Yothers taped onto it) until the wave on top of her head resembled a decapitated swan head. That was a girl who appreciated all the colors in the Wet ‘N Wild rainbow and wasn’t afraid to dance along it with her lips. That also was a girl who told her friends that she was styled by Charlotte Russe personally and they probably believed her.
The LeAnn of today looks like an emaciated salamander in a Cache dress and that’s a damn shame.
On the left is The Real Housewives of New York City’s Jill Zarin back in 2006, and on the right is Jill Zarin looking like a damn fool on Watch What Happens Live last night. The only thing she’s missing is a microphone headset and a child covering their eyes in the front row, because this is the kind of piss poor Madonna impersonation you’d see at a PTA talent show. That polyester fall would look better on a horse’s ass. That top would look better on a Charlotte Russe mannequin circa 1990. And those earrings would look a whole lot better in the napkin holder section at a Pier 1. That being said, Jill Zarin looks hotter “now.” Well, you know I’m a sucker for grown hos embarrassing themselves while paying homage to the 90s.
The entire BOMB Ambition look is more frightening when it moves:
If you’re going to do yourself up to look like a Vogue-era Madonna, can’t you put a cone bra on your dog so she matches you? That’s just lazy styling.
By now you might have already seen and hissed at the cover of People Magazine featuring Heidi Montag’s transformation from your average California reality show prostitute to a factory-defected blow-up doll who comes complete with a rubber dick and pussy. Well, ONTD posted a bunch of NSFW-ish (unless you work at a Mattel) scans from People of Horsey before, during and after her Jocelyn Wildenstein-approved plastic-over.
Horsey’s 10 procedures included: mini brow lift, Botox in the face, nose job encore, fat injections in cheeks, de-chinning, neck lipo, ears pinned back (like a scared cat), titty job encore, ass implants and full body lipo. You would think that while the doctor was hacking her up, he also would’ve removed the shit-filled wart on her vagina known as Spencer Pratt.
Horsey said that she’s always been insecure about her looks, and went under the knife so she can fulfill her dream of becoming a world famous pop star.
Yes, because all the world famous pop stars I know of look like something The Swan queefed out after masturbating with an over-sized suppository. I’m not being sarcastic.