As if we needed further proof that our government has been secretly fattening up the masses as part of an elaborate scheme to secure a sustainable source of protein for the 1% who will be leaving on their spaceships to the outer colonies any day now, Olive Garden has pretty much tipped their hand by introducing a few super sized menu options. The portions debuting today are so big that OG had to issue a statement assuring people that their dreams of ingesting a slab of fried chicken the size of The Rock’s forearm is NOT just a cruel April Fools’ Day joke. No, the actual joke is on you when you spend three days shitting blood after consuming a meatball the size of a baby’s head.
According to Delish, OG’s “Great Italian Classics” menu will feature a Giant Chicken Parmesan that’s two smallish dicks long.
Starting April 1 (nope, not an April Fools joke, Olive Garden assures), you can order a massive, 11.5-inch-long Giant Chicken Parmigiana. It comes with a slab of crispy chicken covered in marinara sauce and melted mozzarella cheese and is served with fettuccine alfredo—plus, Olive Garden’s unlimited breadsticks and homemade soup or salad. Come hungry, or just prepared to bring home days worth of leftovers.
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The new giant “meatball” weighs in at 12-ounces and may or may not contain the ground up limbs of the first wave proletariat subjects of the lab experiment designed to increase the mass of a human body while simultaneously making it “porkier” tasting.
The meat the Illuminati will be feasting on in space will surely be well marbled and contain sufficient qualities of sodium to sustain life on just about any new planet. The regular sized chicken parm contains almost 3,000 mg of sodium. The FDA recommends 2,300 mg of sodium per day. Good thing there will be no FDA to worry about in the new colonies. Governmental regulations will be obsolete, but there will be unlimited bread sticks*.
These new menu items are only available for a limited time and will also include Giant Four-Cheese Stuffed Shells and Giant Stuffed Shells with Shrimp.
*made from wholesome ground femur bone flour
Pic: Olive Garden via Instagram