This Open Post is coming at you all a little early, because I want to welcome Dlisted’s two newest writers, Kristian and Jovi. Starting today, Kristian is helping out this summer during the weekdays because Mieka is taking a little time off to write a porn novel about Stanley Tucci as an escort whose speciality is fucking women in the cooch with his peen head. Jovi is going to help J. Harvey out on the weekends starting on June 23rd. And as they do that, I’m still working on the Dlisted podcast, which is turning out to be like my dad on my birthday: never going to show up! No, it’s coming very soon, but also like my dad, it’s only going to disappoint you. But I’ll save that talk for my therapist.
I would tell you to hold up a “Welcome, Hos!” sign for Kristian and Jovi, but your hands are most likely busy with patting your puss while looking at that clit tingle-inducing picture of Shia LaBeouf’s fat tit hovering over his FUPA fanny pack. Shia is in “Florida if Florida was a person” drag to play his own real-life dad in the movie Honey Boy, which also stars FKA Twigs, apparently, and is shooting in L.A. right now.
Shia’s fortune teller jewel of a mom Shayna Saide, who is always ready to serve you a turkey drumstick at the ren faire, was on set yesterday. Whenever I see Shayna, my brain immediately takes a journey to PukesVille by remembering this quote that came out of Shia’s mouth in 2009.
“Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother. She’s an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren’t my mother, as sick as that sounds.”
So let’s see… Shia is currently playing his dad, a man his mom has fucked, and his mom is on set. Why do I have a feeling that every time a poor PA is told to fetch Shia in his trailer while his mom is in there, the PA takes a good look at the beautiful sky, because it may be the last time they see it since they could go blind after walking in on Shia and Shayna.