Open Post: Hosted By Charli XCX’s Meat Market “Boys” Video

July 27, 2017 / Posted by:

Unlike a certain goody, goody pop star who pretends like a wild night for her is when she, Meredith Grey, and Olivia Benson stay up late sipping Swiss Miss and watch Murder, She Wrote, Charli XCX ain’t fucking around. Or maybe she is. While she’s singing, “I was busy thinkin’ bout boys, boys, boys” in her latest video (same, girl), I can certainly see why. It’s like a peen parade. No, you don’t see actual peen, but plenty of man nalgas!

Everyone from Chromeo (??) to Will.i.am, someone called the Cobrasnake (and, no you don’t even get to see his!) and Diplo show up to make our nethers tingle, according to this cheat sheet I got off Buzzfeed. And here’s the video:

Cameron Dallas made me feel all sorts of filth when he appeared shirtless rocking a chainsaw, and I had to pull up his Wikipedia page to make sure he’s over 18, since I really only know him best from that zit cream commercial with his stage mom. He’s 22! Keep yanking that chain, Cameron!

Just when I thought I could calm down, I got socked with a 1-2 punch of sexy with the Fat Jewish (but that may have been from the bottles of rosé he was holding) and Mark Ronson’s Liberace pompadour (not Mark Ronson himself, mind you). My only gripe is Charli really doesn’t get her boys doing anything truly boy-ish.

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In a bed of rose petals?! Boy, you ain’t Mena Suvari, and this ain’t American Beauty.

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Diplo holding a puppy?! Unless that’s actually a THOT from a club in Vegas dressed up AS a puppy, I’m not buying it.

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Joe Jonas looking like an asshole with some pancakes?! Yeah, I can actually kind of buy that one.

Somewhere, I’m sure Taylor Swift is sitting around pissed that she didn’t think about working a line item into each of her relationship contracts that a video like this would be a closing requirement, before each of her ex-cannolis got set free into the wild. Better luck with the next batch, TayTay!

Pics: YouTube

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