Someone in Hollywood has finally stepped up and is making a highly-detailed and accurate historical biography about an extremely important American figure and that someone is Lifetime! The Hollywood Reporter says that Lifetime will follow up their Emmy-winning (in my head) biopics of Elizabeth Taylor, Anna Nicole Smith, Whitney Houston, Brittany Murphy, Donatella Versace and Aaliyah with a television masterpiece on the life and times of Brit Brit Spears. Jiffy Pop better come out with a very special Cheetos-flavored popcorn for this momentous occasion, because I’m going to need something to snack on while hate-watching this magnificent disaster.
THR says that shooting starts next month in Vancouver and Lifetime will burp it up sometime in 2017. They plan to cram all of Brit’s life up until now into 2 hours:
The two-hour movie will follow Spears’ early career as a young girl from Louisiana, relationship and breakup with Justin Timberlake as well as her personal struggles following her parents’ divorce. Also set to be examined are her marriages to Jason Alexander, Kevin Federline and her downfall that saw her lose custody of her sons before she rebuilt her career and proved herself to be a force in entertainment.
An actress I’ve never heard of named Natasha Bassett (she was in Hail, Caesar!) is playing Britney. Let’s cast the rest!
Daddy Spears will be played by a wooden ladle covered in Velveeta girts
Britney’s Mom will be played by Jessica Simpson’s mom
Jason Alexander will be played by the Jason Alexander from Seinfeld
KFed will be played by a used Ed Hardy cum rag
Justin Timberlake will be played by a block of off-brand Top Ramen
London the Dog will play himself
Assistant Carla will be played by my cousin Wendy (they really look alike)
Chrissy Crocker will be played by Heidi Montag
Adnan Ghalib will be played by a pubic landing strip doused in Brut
Sam Lutfi will be played by a bloated leech
And honestly, I don’t care about any of the casting as long as Lifetime gives a very special cameo to the legendary Dollhouse Dude:
Here’s pictures of Natasha Basset and no, she doesn’t really look like Brit Brit, but nobody will care about that if Lifetime casts Dollhouse Dude. He’ll really make their biopic authentic.