Yesterday, everyone reported that Lady Gaga’s relationship with Taylor Kinney was as dead as her dream of hearing her name called out by Anthony Anderson during the Emmy nominations. They were done! Over! The tacky engagement ring was off! And a blind item may have been solved! Last night, Lady Gaga hopped on Instagram to confirm the news herself, except she had just one teensy little correction to make. Their love isn’t 100% dead, it’s just in a coma.
Gaga took a break from her Mexican vacation to post a black and white picture of herself and Taylor looking like a a couple of hipster Precious Moments figurines with a caption about how they’re “soulmates.” It’s very ‘soap opera character talking to themselves in a mirror’, which is pretty much what I’d expect from Gaga. For full effect, wipe a thin layer of Vaseline over your screen and throw on the theme from Love Story.
Taylor and I have always believed we are soulmates. Just like all couples we have ups and downs, and we have been taking a break. We are both ambitious artists, hoping to work through long-distance and complicated schedules to continue the simple love we have always shared. Please root us on. We’re just like everybody else and we really love each other.
I, for one, can completely relate to that. I’m currently in a long-distance relationship with the Cheesecake Factory. I don’t know why Canadians love that shit, we just do. I’ve been in love with them from the very first second that artery-clogging sweet cheese hit my lips. Sadly, the closest location to me requires a $500 plane ticket and a few days off work. The last time I saw them was two months ago. Sure, I can eat a President’s Choice frozen cheesecake at home, but it’s just not the same. Thinking about it almost makes me cry. If I’m getting this sentimental over crappy cheesecake, I can only imagine how it feels for Gaga and Taylor. Getting regular pussy and dick is right up there with cheesecake.