I’m getting a later start than usual today and I’m probably going to check out early, because I feel like frozen shit. My ear aches as though I just listened to a Meghan Trainor song with headphones on and my head hurts as though I just read another Jaden Smith quote. I think I have a cold. And I must really want to suffer, because I’m about to add “the wet heaves” to my symptoms by writing about these two tiny alien dingles.
Everybody knows that Tom Cruise and Scientology’s Napoleon David Miscavige are tighter than a butt virgin’s clenched anus, but The Daily Mail talked to ex-Scientologists who say that they’re really, really close and do everything together. Former high-ranking Scientologists and employees like the ex-head of security Gary Morehead, former Scientology spokesman Mike Rinder, L.Ron Hubbard’s great-grandson and Little Lord Davey’s one-time personal chef spilled the tea about how the two spend a lot of time together at the cult’s Gold Base in Hemet, California. Gold Base is their bromance love field where they do anything and everything together.
Below are a few quotes and go ahead and add a “wink wink” to the end of every line.
On how Tommy tried to lure the Beckhams into Scientology and they were like, “Err, no”: “The Beckhams were due to come, but they never did. They leveled a field. You know the guys even learned about how to put patterns in the grass and stuff like that so it looked really well groomed. I can only assume he was getting him into Scientology. What was Lisa Marie Presley doing with Michael Jackson? She was getting him into Scientology.”
On how Tommy and Davey are Natasha Lyonne and Marisa Tomei in Slums of Beverly Hills, because they have their own secret language: “Tom would come out with all this stuff. He would talk to DM [David Miscavige] in this crazy way, his mannerisms were just unreal, all this tech speak,’ says Parman. ‘He would speak like the inner culture of Scientology, that’s the way you speak if you’re a complete Sci fanatic. He would pride himself on speaking in those buzz words.”
On how Tommy and Davey were in a never-ending contest to out-manly one another: “DM and Tom would socialize all the time. They would just hang around with each other in the evenings, go out to the lounge where there’s more comfortable chairs. DM’s got this huge cigar humidor in the lounge, which is just a pretense for Cruise. They’d be smoking away. I offered DM a cigar when Cruise wasn’t there and he said: ‘I don’t even like those things, you can still smell them three days later.’ It was a bromance – cigar-smoking, playing tennis, doing exercise together, out macho-ing each other. He even got DM parachuting with him, there’s a big place in Perris, CA where they did it. It was who could outdo the other.”
Gary Moorehead (I bet Tommy just loved saying Gary’s last name) on how Davey secretly recorded Tommy’s auditing sessions: “I know that there were two camera systems for Cruise – one was a camera he did know about – a JVC camera on a tripod – which made him believe that was it. But I had to set up a second camera in Tom’s auditing room. That was for Dave’s own personal entertainment although it was meant to be for the purpose of being professionally critiqued. It was Dave’s little secret to look inside people’s little sessions. If Tom ever wanted that tape, Dave would still have the other one. I started installing these secret surveillance systems – hidden camera systems where Tom and other staff had no idea they were being watched, recorded and reported.”
On how Tommy is probably going to be a Scientologist for the rest of eternity: “I know people who have worked with Cruise and he’s in it for life. Imagine if you were Tom Cruise – to admit to yourself that you were wrong, it’s a huge blowout. To admit that you’d been hoaxed, that would be very hard to accept.”
The constant cigar smoking… The exercising together… The trying to out-macho each other… My head is already pounding and now it’s about to explode from the euphemism overload.
Pic: Tony Ortega