“Hmmm, I really want to give my baby a name that sounds like the name of a scented body glitter marketed exclusively to aspiring strippers and was later pulled off of the shelves after the 2 people who bought it for 50 cents at a T.J. Maxx got a serious rash after using it” is what Xtina said to herself while thinking up names for her first daughter.
Last night, Xtina tweeted the name of her second kid and she didn’t disappoint. Xtina gave her first kid the boring ass, generic name Max, so I was really hoping she’d give her daughter a name that makes everyone say, “Did you name her after the scent of Febreze you were huffing while brainstorming baby names?” Xtina and Matt Rutler gave their kid (ha, I’m acting like he had a say!) the first name “Summer,” which isn’t weird at all. We’ve all known a Summer and every Summer I knew in school said “kewl beanz” way too much, only wore scoop neck t-shirts and brought her lunch in a small Victoria’s Secret shopping bag. The name “Summer” is normal, but throw in “Rain” after it and it suddenly becomes a work of elegance:
SUMMER RAIN! That’s one way for Xtina to out herself as a fan of the Phoenix kids.
The beauty of “Summer Rain” is that it sounds like so many things. It sounds like the name of a discount vagina spray that The Dollar Tree produced itself to compete with Summer’s Eve. It sounds like the name of a third-rate young adult romance novel that was written by Nicholas Sparks’ gardener and was turned into a movie starring Zendaya Coleman and one of the Sprouse twins. It sounds like the name of a Whitesnake rock ballad from the 80s that a Tampa, FL stripper named herself after. It’s perfect!
And “Summer Rain Rutler” sounds like something Scooby-Doo would say on an August day after he left his doghouse without an umbrella and a raindrop fell on his nose. “Summer rain, ruh roh!”