Seen above looking like a de-breaded greasy fish stick that was left out in the sun for too long, Goopy Paltrow was the star author at the East Hampton Library’s Author Night on Saturday, because people are dumb . Christina Oxenberg, Catherine Oxenberg’s sister and Princess Elizabeth of Yugoslavia’s daughter, was also there promoting her book and she found out that sitting next to Goopy will split her nerves as much as reading Goopy’s book will.
Christina writes on her site (via Page Six) that the alphabet was not on her side on Saturday when she was seated next to Goopy, because O comes right before P. Christina writes that everything was going fine until Her Royal Highness the Empress of Cunt Town showed up and the disciples of Goop started to block her table. Christina decided that since a wall of GOOPers blocked her table, she might as well go and get some food and when she came with a plate full of delicious meat, Goopy’s royal guards refused to let her peon ass through:
Then the divinity in question arrived with hubby, children and a couple of massive bodyguards. The worshippers blocked my view of the whole world, abusing my tiny territory upon which to abandon their trash or lean their sorry asses.
So I abandoned my post and took that opportunity to roam the great tent and greet my fellow authors. Which is when I saw the food table, and suddenly I knew what needed doing. I made a plate of miniature sloppy hamburgers, stinky steak sandwiches, and the like and hauled it back to my piece of table.
Gwyneth’s bodyguards blocked my re-entry despite my assurance I was a just an author and pointing at my name tag, “No!” they growled, body blocking me. So I was forced to crawl under the table. And there I sat with my meat products, wafting the excellent smells toward my sleek vegan neighbor. She ignored the siren smells of protein. We never did say hello, although I did try to sell my book to her sleek vegan children. No bites.
What in the world! Catherine Oxenberg played Amanda Carrington on Dynasty, which means that Christina Oxenberg is practically a Carrington, which means that Goopy’s bodyguards were rude to a Carrington, which means that they should be thrown in prison for committing a criminal act against glamour. It’s a sad day when Amanda Carrington’s sister is eating meat under a table while dumbasses slobber all over Goopy above her.
But I do love that Christina’s steak sandwich fumes blew up into Goopy’s nostrils. Because judging by the way she looked on Saturday, Goopy was on a red panda oil and dragon fruit juice cleanse and spent most of the morning shitting and barfing the life out of her face.