He Put A Ring On It
Jennifer Aniston can finally take "Single Ladies" off of her ipod shuffle and stop doing jazz hands to it for good, because People says that as of his birthday last Friday, Justin Theroux made it official and took her ass off the market. Yes, he proposed to her on HIS birthday! Unlike the two cheap ass tricks who saw an engagement ring/birthday present combo as a brilliant move, and popped the question on MY birthday. "You can have a present if you just promise your life awaaaaay!" And yes, of course my greedy ass accepted. There were diamonds at stake people!
Soon, the internetz will be flooded with lots of MILLIONS OF CATS ARE CRYING jokes, Beanie Baby orphan jokes, FAKE!! FAME WHORE!! denials and the piercing shreik of a million Brangie fans screaming NOOO YOU ARE A BARREN UNLOVABLE EXCEPT BY EQUALLY BARREN BITCHES BITCH!!!1one!1! in unison. Those explosions you hear right now aren't fireworks from Jen's chocha. No, it's a combination of Jen superfans superjizzing in their pants, Jen haters' heads exploding like a scene from Mars Attacks and everyone elses' minds being blown by the investment so many people seem to have in the whole mess. Sort of a free symphony. The forecast calls for 100% chance of flying stranger bodily fluids, so either park your ass inside or if you really must venture out I suggest a raincoat, umbrella and rubber boots. Oh and lots of Purell.
Anygetitgirl, if the infallible source People says it, it must be true!! Personally, I am happy for her ass. I'm not a mega fan, but she seems nice and harmless, so I have no shade to throw this time. Don't freak out,that's right, I said I have no shade. It's okay. She got screwed long and hard and not in a good way (is that even possible?? moving on) when her last marriage dissolved and now she can stop being the brunt of countless spinster jokes and continue fucking on her now fiance Justin. Piece, at last. Peace, piece, whatever. Both are fucking fantastic if you haven't had it in awhile.
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Submitted by I AM Afraid on Mon, 08/13/2012 - 6:31pm.
I guess you don't have to be Kreskin to have predicted this but just let me say . . . I PREDICTED THIS three days ago when I heard a rumour circulating through Europe that the Brange were possibly doing the dread deed either this weekend or next ~ but I gazed into my murky crystal ball and said to my friend, "Watch and see. There will be an Aniston engagement within the week!!!" TA DA!!!
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Brad has publicly admited he still speaks with Jennifer himself let alone countless mutual friends who would have let her know if the wedding last weekend was indeed fact or fiction. Jennfer 100% knew before her engagement the wedding was a no go rumor then wouldn't she? On the other hand, I'm sure that phone works both ways with the mutual friends, or Jennifer herself, letting Brad know that Justin intended to propose on his birthday. What I'm really curious about is if in fact Angie herself didn't have her posse start this rumor about her wedding to Brad last weekend as a last "fuck you up the ass" to Jennifer. I think this is far more likely than Justin waiting for the next rumor of Brad's impending wedding date...I mean it's not like Justin changed his birthday for the occasion.
Thank the fucking Gods! I secretly hope they marry before Pitt face and Skeletor ( I'm still a bit bitter but working on it)
I couldn't care less about the other two. But yeah. Homegirl right here fucking wins. He's hot, seems to adore her, and now we can all move the hell on.
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I got so excited when I saw that headline. There is clearly something missing from my life. :(
Submitted by IHateCharityChic on Mon, 08/13/2012 - 10:45pm.
Submitted by I AM Afraid on Mon, 08/13/2012 - 6:31pm.
Also, what pity parties are you referring to? The ones in 2005? Jesus, isn't it fucking 2012 now? I haven't seen any of these pity parties the loons keep referencing. Unless getting together with the ladies and drinking margeritas is considered a pity party, If that's the case, I had no idea I've been throwing those most of my adult life.
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There are no pity parties, but maybe they're talking about Brad the Monkey and his rendezvous with George Clooney. One things for certain: Jen can have parties and invite her many friends over. The Chicken Leg can't be because she has NO friends by her own admission. What does that say about her? She's a shank with no personality.
Since he's French and she's Greek, I guess they will make Freeks.
Submitted by I AM Afraid on Mon, 08/13/2012 - 6:31pm.
I guess you don't have to be Kreskin to have predicted this but just let me say . . . I PREDICTED THIS
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Funny because when I heard the first Aniston/Theroux engagement rumors I remember thinking now watch, after seven years of going on and on about how they wouldn't get married until the gays could the brand will suddenly find a reason to do just that and BAM there it was.
Also, what pity parties are you referring to? The ones in 2005? Jesus, isn't it fucking 2012 now? I haven't seen any of these pity parties the loons keep referencing. Unless getting together with the ladies and drinking margeritas is considered a pity party, If that's the case, I had no idea I've been throwing those most of my adult life.
PS: Please God let that be the end of her pity-parites and screaming at the ocean. And hopefully it will be enough to satisfy her poor, weary fans too! God, how they have prayed for this day to come! They must be so happy they probably can't contain themselves. I'm afraid to read any comments on any blogs cause they'll be showing their worst sides right about now I bet.
I guess you don't have to be Kreskin to have predicted this but just let me say . . . I PREDICTED THIS three days ago when I heard a rumour circulating through Europe that the Brange were possibly doing the dread deed either this weekend or next ~ but I gazed into my murky crystal ball and said to my friend, "Watch and see. There will be an Aniston engagement within the week!!!" TA DA!!!
I'm convinced my initial comment in this post has been misunderstood, since people are using it as a launching pad to defend Michael K from a completely fictional attack. I did not say I don't read the posts to slam anybody, but to make a point, which I eventually did, that anyone who thinks they have a REASON* not to read the posts should just not read instead of sitting around complaining about the person who wrote it. What's hard to understand about that? Rhetorical question, by the way. No need to hire a defence lawyer for that one.
*My reason already stated as having nothing to do with the writing.
Sweetas is doing great. and for the record i ALWAYS read all sentences of all MKs posts; he is smart and witty and at the appropriate times his true kindness is shown front and center.
as for Jennifer Aniston; i like her and have watched her for 20+ years now; she is a major talent (some commenter here earlier noted her comedic timing and i totally agree). (Note: i am not suggesting that everyone must like her too; but to say she is not a talented actress at all is just silly).
my question is:
why would The Brand plan their wedding on the same weekend as Justin's Birthday??
and B.
The Brand did not get married this weekend --just like the Literally Hundreds of other days in their past that they were 'rumored' to be getting married but did not.
Point being: this non-wedding weekend AGAIN nullifies the Loons' silly opinions and 'facts' they insist they know.
The Brand has not gotten married in the last 8? Years becuz at least 1 person in The Brand does NOT want to get married to the other person. it is that simple.
sad how many of The Loons love Angelina blindly merely because they *thought she was a (beatiful?) confirmation of their own life "choice"
AKA being a mother
(and shhh most of The Loons won't admit it ,,, but BONUS points if you were pregnant and had that baby *Vaginally!)
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"I (almost) never look back, darling. It distracts from The Now."
= Edna 'E' Mode
"But, BUT he LOVED that trick he was with for 14 years! Jen STOLE him from her! He loooved her!"
Loonies, please. And finally take a seat.
I enjoy Harvey's posts and Sweetas' too. Their sense of humor is solid and packed with the usual Dlisted folly. They are perfect substitutes for the Great MK. (I even thought Jack was pretty funny the times he was *allowed* to post) Those who complain are either too obsessed with this blog, or butt-hurt that they're not as funny as to be selected by the master. It's okay, you're funny, just next time suck a little harder, put your back into it.
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Don't make me quote Nabokov at you. I'll do it. I promise.
Yay for Jen and Justin!
BAWK!! BAWK, BAWK!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAWWWWWWWWWK!!!
*pecks vicodin off counter*
·...¸><((((º>·´¯`·. ¸.><((((º> .·´¯`·..·><((((º>
Visit The Freckle on Lindsay Lohan's Lip on Facebook.
Is this what happened while i was busy with the greatest concert on earth.
fuck! now why did this happen. I was hoping Jen was a member of the I don't need a ring club .. meh
Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Mon, 08/13/2012 - 6:59am.
Do people actually take the time to read the entries here anymore?
I do Lucy. I read just about every one of them unless I'm off. He is just the funniest and at times most sincere writer I've seen. Enjoy the comments as well:)
Sweetas and J. Harvey fill in just fine. M K
needs a break sometimes.
I'm happy for Jen. I think the last 7 or 8 years must've been a nightmare for her, always being compared to Angelina. Brad is not longer hot. I think this guy is pretty hot. Hopefully they'll get married quietly, somewhere on a beach in Mexico with lots of margaritas.
I'm happy for the both of them. I like him, I like her, no shade or side eyes thrown. But if they Loonies get here, I'm all over their shit. FUCK THEM. I'd love if J&J beat their gods (can't use the word goddess bc she has more balls than brad) to the altar. LOL!
Submitted by Kizzy on Mon, 08/13/2012 - 12:01pm.
Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Mon, 08/13/2012 - 11:45am.
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Oh I'm not denying that there are celebs we strongly like or dislike. For example, I loathe Stepford Kuntie with a passion while I don't give a rat's @$$ about JA or AJ either way. Still, I don't get why people on either side get their panties in a wad when someone disagrees with them or instantly calls them a loonie. ** shrugs **
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Kitten Kaboodle - a Disney ho who did the ho stroll right ;)
And somehow, the world continues to spin on its axis. Time has not stopped in its tracks.
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SANTO DIOS! PRAISE HAY-SOOS CREASE-TOE!
Submitted by Kizzy on Mon, 08/13/2012 - 12:01pm.
I really liked Amy too, and I remember getting into it with someone on the death thread pretty bad that day. We have since made up, but it was pretty mean that day, on both our parts.
The loons and anti/jenhags are equally insane, stupid, and ridiculous. If both couples marry can those groups please move on to something else? Why they ever cared so much in the first place is baffling to me.
Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Mon, 08/13/2012 - 11:45am.
Submitted by Anonymous101 on Mon, 08/13/2012 - 11:00am.
Whether anyone here wants to admit it or not, we ALL have a certain celeb we like and will defend. It's a lie if you say you don't.
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True dat. I loved me some Amy Hotmess Winehouse. True genuine sadness when she passed. Still love me some Keanu, Sad or no.
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"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.Kravitz on August 19, 2008
"We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
Submitted by snowpiece on Mon, 08/13/2012 - 11:43am.
Yeah, but he isn't saving the world and buying children. And I am sure when he is writing a script, it isn't in an attic with a 124 temperature and just a pad of paper. *snort*
Submitted by Anonymous101 on Mon, 08/13/2012 - 11:00am.
Whether anyone here wants to admit it or not, we ALL have a certain celeb we like and will defend. It's a lie if you say you don't.
i was thinking this morning (you know me and my deeeeep thoughts) that Justin is the male version of AngieJo, all dark and black leather
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"Shut up, brain!" I replied. "You're not the boss of me! Come on, vagina! Let's get out of here, away from the party pooper trying to ruin our fun."
Interesting that they announce her engagement right after Brangelina leaked their "alleged" wedding this weekend (or next weekend, depending on which tabloid you are reading).
I don't throw shade on either one of them because they are unworthy of my shade. I still make the point that all the tabloids can talk about in regards to Jennifer Aniston are her relationships and who she's fucking and will she find happiness and NOT about her acting.
Honestly, she's a two-dimensional actress. There isn't much depth in her acting because there isn't much depth in her. Her films in recent years have NOT done well (Horrible Bosses was carried by the men in that movie, not her) and no one considers her an actress to contend with. I also don't know why they call her "America's Sweetheart". Ain't she a bit old for that title (like Julia Roberts)? I will give Emma Stone that distinction and Emma is a MUCH BETTER actor that Aniston.
As far as Justin goes, I know many people mention a couple of his achievement, but let's be honest people, this is Hollywood and you are only as good as your last hit movie or project (just as Tom Cruise). I do feel sorry for the old girlfriend who was with him for 13 years and he never married her. I guess famous pussy is better. *LOL*
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Grow up, Demi, and do coke off toilet seats like the rest of us adults do!- Michael K, 1/26/12
I never liked Brad Pitt (and I don't find him attractive at all) so any guy Aniston gets is an upgrade to me.
You rock, Sweetas!!
OT: I smell a barbie bonfire on the beach soon!!
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"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.Kravitz on August 19, 2008
"We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
I'm genuinely happy for them and normally I could care less about celebs getting married. Jen has been through the mill with the home wrecker and her cheating scum husband. Plus I can't stand Angie or Brad...so in the perfect place, these two would live happily ever after and Brad would cheat on Angie and they'd split up.
btw - fuck the haters... it's a tough gig filling in for MK. Sweetas - you got this, sweetheart.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rly1ZZ076G8&feature=related ~ Kenny Powers
wtg sweetas. keep up the great work.
Submitted by IHateCharityChic on Mon, 08/13/2012 - 1:33am.
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The loons may be scary crazy (heck, I'll take the Twitards over the Brangeloonies any day - LOL), but you're not helping the other side in being portrayed as sane and stable. Seriously, it's not like you ever met this woman or this man and yet you go on and on defending them.
And yeah, just b/c he and Heidi didn't marry doesn't mean that she doesn't have feelings or this doesn't suck for her.
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Kitten Kaboodle - a Disney ho who did the ho stroll right ;)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I will wait for you my sweet, Jennifer!!! He won't treat you the way a woman should be treated... when you are finished playing around with this "boy", please give jacko a call....
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rly1ZZ076G8&feature=related ~ Kenny Powers
I just read that Justin's 'mystery blonde' was Amy Sedaris. Well, any man that is friends with Amy has my HIGHEST approval. Happy for the two of 'em!
Angie and Brad's wedding will be displayed on the cover of People Magazine - probably right before one of their movies comes out.
Jen and Justin will get married quietly on a beach somewhere.
And by the way - SWEETAS rocks!
I did not realize this was written by SweetASS either, look at you Sweetie all bringin the funny and shit! lol! Good stuff GF!!
OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!
RACE TO THE ALTER, WHO WILL WIN BRANGE OR JUSTIFER?!!?
It's never too late to be who you might have been.
~George Eliot~
God, he is gross.
There are no cobwebs in Aniston's vagina, you must be thinking about the Chicken Leg. You know, because she's too busy donating money from the sale of her kids pictures and setting up PR shots of the kids going on a Cheetos or McDonalds run.
I can't help wondering if he'd be with her if she was a poor.
I don't know, there's just something greasy scuzzball about this guy, I don't like. .... But she's a big girl; she wants to hitch her wagon to him, I hope she's happy.
Honestly, I read this post in its entirety and had no idea it was even a guest blogger. Sweetas has been around here long enough to know what people want to read and how they want to read it. Still, I agree with EC. If you don't like it, take a break for a while and don't read the posts. You'd bitch if there were no posts, you'd bitch if there were guest bloggers. MK can't win no matter what he does.
How nice! Now please GO AWAY!!!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Submitted by jenweb on Mon, 08/13/2012 - 12:35am.
I'm totally with Sweetas on this one. I'm not really a fan of Anniston but she seems harmless so good for her. The most joy I get from this news is how pissed off that Lainey bitch and that über cunt Kaiser from CELEBITCHY are going to be, they'll pretend that they're not and just say it was a fame whore move because Brangelina was rumored to get hitched this weekend. But you know this is going to eat them alive I Loooooovvvvvveeeee that. ( I really do hate those two Bitches )
== Me too!! That moron kaiser won't even mention it.Btw, are we even sure Kaiser is a she? I think I heard otherwise
Oh, and i hate his "Bert from Sesame Street-eyebrows". I hope they ll have a kid who is born with those eyebrows.
Meh. Don`t care. But XOXO to Sweetas!! You go, girl!!
Mazel tov.
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*tosses a bag of hot dicks into Jeanneee's trough* BON APPETIT BITCH! - Raul Duke, 1/26/11
Engagement is the new "not living in sin anymore"; it means very little. I'd bet they don't marry.
Sweetas is doing a great job. She's very bright and witty. I only wish she'd use her own voice more and not feel she has to track MK's style.
Well, one can't replace MK; there may be 5% of world's population who are as intelligent as he is and they're busy building weapons, developing medical equipment or operating on brains.
I think Sweetas does a good job and J Harvey isn't too bad either.
Submitted by cocoebert: "Yeah, I don't read everything super-carefully. However, there are certain people I KNOW I have to read when MK posts about them because he's extra snarky and hilarious. "
Same here.
Most places I do a quick skim and head to the comments.
Let's see the ring! He looks like John Cusak (sp? not googling) in the last thumb. & I hate the pda he's exhibiting in these pics. Hate.