Crazy Ass Paula Abdul Is A Wonderful Boss
Anybody who has seen Paula Abdul's masterpiece of a trainwreck reality show knows that she's a sane and level-headed employer who treats all of her assistants with the utmost respect and would never make unreasonable demands. Since it's Opposite Day, what I really mean by that is Paula is Forever Your Crazy Bitch and working for her is probably not unlike babysitting a psychotic toddler who has never been spanked and will only go into its calm submissive state if you stick a pacifier made of Vicodin in its mouth. I bet if you walked into any padded room and asked who has worked for Paula Abdul, the one patient in there would stop chewing on a pillow tile to raise her hand a dozen times (one for each personality that was created to deal with Paula's crazy ass).
UsWeekly says that Skat Kat's former beard (Skat Kat, totally gay, totally loved the Q-Tip in his no-no) gives all of her assistants this list of demands they must follow or she'll feed them to Simon Cowell's tits.
1. Each assistant must carry and use a tape recorder at all times "because she doesn't trust her own conversations," the source says.2. "She also makes them check the TiVo for any mention of her and put it on a DVD."
3. Abdul team members should also prepare to go through her email -- and respond to family and friends as the star herself.
4. The "Forever Your Girl" singer also needed constant reminders that she is a "warrior, survivor and gift," adds the insider.
Okay, these aren't that weird. The second one isn't weird at all. The third one is easy since her assistant only has to respond with "please send percocets now" and her family knows she's doing fine. The first one makes sense, because Paula never knows which voice in her head controlled her mouth that day. Sybil wishes she would've thought of that! The fourth one is true in every way. Paula is a gift (to the pharmaceutical industry, The Soup and me), is a survivor (going through an 8-hour period with just one syringe of liquid morphine counts as surviving) and she's definitely a warrior! Don't you remember the battle of the Bratz (which she lost) or her never-ending battle against sanity (which she wins every time). Paula IS a warrior, survivor and a gift!
With all that being said, I'd rather get a job as that dog's full-time anal gland pincher than work for Paula's ass.
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Http://www.cafepress.com/kosmiqpandora
I hope your kidding about # 1-4.
Damn!
That dog is thinking, "Get me out of here!"
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"Two whores don't make a right"-- M.K.
"Any guy who values stick thin and young over smarts and personality isn't worth it and has NOTHING interesting to say anyway."-- Mrs. Kravitz
Looks like Paula is still mixing her medication with booze.
Aww, look at the expression on the doggy's face, he knows he's owned by a nutter. Poor baby.
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"And I'm not a farmer, but does Khloe have pregnancy nose?" MK
magnificent post
The third one is easy since her assistant only has to respond with "please send percocets now" and her family knows she's doing fine
this sentence WINS EVERYTHING
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"End well: this isn't going to." - MK
Paula Abdul got lost in the Valley of the Dolls, honey...the dolls!
You get to write to Paula Abdul's family and fans as Paula Abdul and people complain about this? That would be awesome.
I think they sound perfectly reasonable-
Im ready to apply for the job of HBIC of percocet disepensing….
"NOSOPD -Not our sort of person darling"
I am having such a shitty day, and I ran to dlisted and get this:
"...working for her is probably not unlike babysitting a psychotic toddler who has never been spanked and will only go into its calm submissive state if you stick a pacifier made of Vicodin in its mouth."
I love you, MK. There is hope in the world afterall.
Submitted by PJ Scott on Fri, 08/12/2011 - 9:58am.
love that.
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Paula is the Foster Brooks for the 21st century.
I realize I'm dating myself here, but his schtick was that he was always drunk. Paula is the same, just on pharmaceuticals.
I can't watch more than a couple of minutes of her in action, because she makes ME woozy.
She is beyond annoying, and the fact that this minimally talented, sartorially challenged, vicodin-head even HAS a lucrative career and an assistant pisses me off.
MK's Boo had Paula's "haters" on his Ridiculist last night. What a hoot!
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
Submitted by christine the hoff on Fri, 08/12/2011 - 9:59am.
Whatcha gonna do about it? :)
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
Most because they won't stop talking about their kids, god, and saying stupid republican stuff I'm sure. I decided to give most of them another go, so wish me luck lol. chat Mynet Sohbet
Submitted by Hekki on Fri, 08/12/2011 - 10:28am.
I'm guessing that she has short-term memory loss or is just generally addled from drugs, so she doesn't remember what she told people to do.
There were probably so many instances of "Why did you Sharpie out all the calorie information on the yogurts in my fridge?" and the assistant is all "Well, you told me to yesterday." "I did NOT tell you to do that" "Yes you did." etc.
Never watched the show so never got to view the crazy that is Paula. Thx for the info
Dogs really do look like their owners. Poor dog.
Submitted by Wood Dragon: "What does "because she doesn't trust her own conversations," mean exactly?"
I'm guessing that she has short-term memory loss or is just generally addled from drugs, so she doesn't remember what she told people to do.
There were probably so many instances of "Why did you Sharpie out all the calorie information on the yogurts in my fridge?" and the assistant is all "Well, you told me to yesterday." "I did NOT tell you to do that" "Yes you did." etc.
What does "because she doesn't trust her own conversations," mean exactly?
Submitted by fuzzyslippers on Fri, 08/12/2011 - 9:40am.
"Shine on you crazy fucking diamond."
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LOL!
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"okayyy lets not make a goddess out of Maria Shiver now. It's from her bitch face that she is a cunt." - cuntwhore (2011-08-08)
Hey Stoney, the guy mowing my mom's lawn has a nice ass.
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Oh God ,why don't you go sit under a rainbow and write a poem, Kyle.
I used to work at a clothing consignment type store in Hollywood a few years back. Celebrity assistants used to come in and sell clothes for their bosses all the time. One day I was buying clothes from Paula's assistant (doubt he's still with her) when we saw that Corey guy from American Idol that she "allegedly" fucked selling his CD out on the sidewalk. The assistant and I laughed about the coincidence and he said that she had him blacklisted and ruined any chances of a career after he told his side of the story. On the way out the door he said "By the way...she totally fucked him." LOL
He also told me that she has boxes of her old concert tees under her bed. ;)
*hides snowy*
OMG jacko I feel so fat today and my hair is flat and everybody hates me!!
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
Really doesn't sound that bad... I am an executive assistant and SERIOUSLY - I take Paxil and smoke weed so I don't kill him :) I think "ego stroker" is in every assistant's job description.
At least they have jobs, right?
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Hold up! Hell NO! Like Britney Spears I wear no drawers!
BSF: LOL how awkward! Mine just lies on his office floor and naps!
I love my main boss, he's like Jacko's, I havent seen or heard from him all week. Too bad I work for 7 other lil pipsqueaks!
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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11
*talks about reproductive issues on FB*
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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11
Shine on you crazy fucking diamond.
Submitted by But.Seriously.Folks on Fri, 08/12/2011 - 9:34am.
I had a boss that was always fishing for compliments, too. It was pathetic. I would engage in conversation with her specifically to see if she would throw out "ohhhhh, I had the hardest time trying to find something to wear this morning" as she is dressed to the nines with her boobs hanging out. I would just respond with "yea, life's a bitch". She was actually very attractive and a decent body. Jacko doesn't play those games, though. The boss I have now is never here, he's great.
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"I have no snacks for you, only death." ~ annobanano, 08/03/2011
Submitted by Oxygen on Fri, 08/12/2011 - 9:10am.
She is obviously a dullard if those are her "demands." That's just being a spoiled Bratz.
My boss puts the Exorcist to shame.
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I once had a boss that was Paula-esque. She would lay on the floor in her office and cry. Awkward. And, she was forever fishing for compliments. The sad part is, in hindsight, she was one of my better bosses. She didn't have the sociopathic edge of the current gang. She was just pitiful. They are evil.
Gee, what celebrity was seen boarding a helicopter carrying nothing but an Esquire with a huge cover story on him, and told Brian Williams "well, I have this gift", and gave Elizabeth the Queen of England an Ipod with hours of him talking. We'd be in better shape with President Paula. Or her dog.
I have friends and family to remind me daily that I'm a hard bitch and I don't have to pay them. Feel played, Paula.
OMG I just went to go unhide you snowy and I saw that I was currently hiding over 30 friends!! Most because they won't stop talking about their kids, god, and saying stupid republican stuff I'm sure. I decided to give most of them another go, so wish me luck lol.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
A gift to what , the garbage disposal?
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Oh God ,why don't you go sit under a rainbow and write a poem, Kyle.
*remembers to unhide snowy*
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
SHOOTS DANCE MOM!
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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11
P.S. Is it just me or is the dog screaming help me plzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ?
You live full time on Fugly Street & Fucked Up Avenue.
I don't get why anyone cares about her anymore, except for her mildly entertaining nuttiness. She had a couple of heavily produced dance hits in like the 1950s, then choreographed a few other hits. That makes her a pop music expert?
Oh hey, guess what day it is?
angel_i: LOL I would make an awesome assistant.
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"I have no snacks for you, only death." ~ annobanano, 08/03/2011
I didn't watch it yet because I was working as usual, but of course some dumb dance mom from my studio shouted it out on facebook last night. *sigh*
Jack's link is Friday!
*reports jack*
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
She is obviously a dullard if those are her "demands." That's just being a spoiled Bratz.
My boss puts the Exorcist to shame.
Paula seems to live in an abyss of loneliness so i will keep my Thisbitchhasenoughfucking$inthebankto
liveouttherestofherdaysinavicodinenducecoma
whilegettingpoundedsixwaystillsundaybyahotlatinpiecesofuckher,
comments to meself.
You live full time on Fugly Street & Fucked Up Avenue.
stoney, was it a Rick Roll?
Did you watch the show yet?
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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11
Skat Kat is not amused!!
+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+
"If when you die you get a choice between pie heaven and regular heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick but if not mmmboy!"
DAMMIT JACK!!
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
DAMMIT JACK!!
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
A warrior, survivor AND gift?! I think the gift part takes it just a smidge too far.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't hit back, just keep thrusting. Make that transfer, bitch!- MK 7/26/11
We should send jack over there to be her assistant and watch her head pop clear off her body;p
♥ Threadkilla!
Suck My Dick: http://youtu.be/Mxap2jnfF-E
"Don't you remember the battle of the Bratz (which she lost)"
OLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL oh god the tears! THE TEARS!!
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
Whatever you do, just don't EVER EVER bring up the Bratz fiasco.
I can't wait till Paula get's back on TV, I miss her brand of crazy.
Upon hearing this "news"-item on the radio while driving into work today (I nearly drove into the curb while doubling over with laughter), I knew Michael K would subsequently post. It was a given.
My favourite is #4. Not so much the "survivor", but "warrior" & "gift".
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"okayyy lets not make a goddess out of Maria Shiver now. It's from her bitch face that she is a cunt." - cuntwhore (2011-08-08)
Jack : smells like a Rick Roll to me and I've already got FRIDAY stuck in my head
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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11