Ethan Hawke Is A Four-Time Daddy

Ethan Hawke and his nanny side piece turned wife Ryan Hawke are throwing baby shit-stuffed diapers (or “diaper empanadas” as my cousin calls ’em) into the diaper pail again, because she birthed out their second child in NYC about two weeks ago. Ethan has two kids with Uma Thurman and a daughter with Ryan who is only 3 years old, but has probably already learned to hate mandarin oranges and the words “OH MY DARLIN'” since her name is Clementine.

Ethan and Ryan never came out and said that she had a fetus renting space in her womb and so I doubt they’re going to confirm that they’re coo-ing at a human ball of wrinkles again. But a source tells UsWeekly that they saw Ethan and Ryan walking around their neighborhood with their newborn baby girl. The source added that Short Round is making “HUH?” eyes of judgement this morning, because Ethan and Ryan named their girl INDIANA.

YES! Indiana & Clementine! That sounds like the name of a banjo duo who travel the country opening for tent evangelists. But then again, Indiana and Clementine also sounds the like names of two random saloon girls on Deadwood, so I shouldn’t completely hate.

Congratulations to Ethan and Ryan. And condolences to their new baby friend if she’s blowing saliva bubbles of hate at her new name. She can always pull an Indiana Jones and just take the name of her family dog instead.

And yes, that picture of Ethan’s face is also making me crave a deep fried turkey ball covered in meth crumbs.