Sit Down, Brangie

Just over a week ago, Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig totally fucked up tied the knot out of the blue in a private ceremony. From what The New York Post reports, while the rest of the world was going “WHAAA? They had totally different SO’s a few months ago!” her neighbors in the Catskills said they knew that shit was coming. Check out this quote from “a source” (damn, that bitch gets AROUND):

“I saw them in the local grocery store, Emmanuel’s Market Place. They looked like the world’s hottest couple…They were casually dressed, then Daniel suddenly pulled Rachel to him in the middle of produce and gave her a passionate kiss, right next to the bananas. They looked more in love and sexier than Brad and Angelina.”

HAHAHA IN YO FACE, BRAD AND ANGIE!!! SOURCE totally owned your ass! Actually, no, that’s not really saying much since current Brangie is only sexy if you get turned on looking at a plate of boiled bratwurst with a botoxed chopstick and some wax lips on it. I think the funniest and sessiest part of this quote is the detail that they did it by the bananas! SUGGESTIVE. Move over cucumbers, there is a new king of phallic produce!

There were also reports of them PDAing all over each other at the local gym. Before you say “Pinche putas!! A minute ago, he was engaged and she was shacked up for the last 8 years with her baby daddy!” (like you really knew that shit since you get all your news on Dlisted), they dated briefly 20 years ago and recently fell back in love with each other’s privates while working together on “Dream House” last year. So technically, they have the longest relationship in the history of Hollywood. HOT.