HAIL XENU! After turning down almost every season of Dancing with the (Pause) Stars (Question Mark), Kirstie Alley has finally realized that a fourth Look Who’s Talking? is never going to happen and is now going to waddle for that mirror ball trophy! We can make jokes about how Kirstie’s partner has already signed a disability waver and how he’s going to keep her chins up during the waltz by dangling a deep fried butter nugget over her head, but she looked as light as John Travolta’s heatproof sauna wig during the announcement ceremony last night. Yes, they actually had a fucking announcement ceremony for this WHO CARES mess. But anyihopekirstiesdressesareallmadeofcondiments…
Whenever the newest batch of dancing relevant seekers is announced, I always judge how big and bold the Has-Beens in the title should be by how many question marks form above my head while looking at a cast photo. You can play too! Here’s the 11 people who will be called “a seductive panther stalking its prey in the middle of a dance floor jungle” by Bruno at least once during the season. Warm up your question mark making machine!
Kirstie Alley (paired with Maksim Chmerkovskiy) – Twitter’s first lady of crazy and the reason why Krispy kremes
Kendra (paired with Louie van Amstel) – Hef’s former catheter changer and the owner of the most annoying laugh on the planet (even worse than Natalie P’s)
Sugar Ray Leonard (paired with Anna Trebunskaya) – Tommy Davidson’s alter ego, world champion fighter and the new object of Kirstie’s affection (dude does have “Sugar” in his name)
Wendy Williams (paired with Tony Dovolani) – self-proclaimed queen of all media and talking wig
Chelsea Kane (paired with Mark Ballas) – some Disney ho
Ralph Macchio (paired with Karina Smirnoff Ice) – the ONLY Karate Kid
Chris Jericho (paired with Mop Head) – WWE champion wrestler
Petra Nemcova (paired with Dmitry Chaplin) – tsunami survivor and model
Psycho Mike Catherwood (partner unknown) – cohost of Love Line
Hines Ward (paired with Kym Johnson) – the wide receiver for the Steelers and the second object of Kirstie’s affection (dude is a “Duncan” away from being Duncan Hines)
Lil’ Romeo (paired with Chelsie Hightower) – rapper and the spawn of Master P
My brain is the Wikipedia of D-listers and never wases, but I still threw a “Harpo, who dis woman?” at three names: Psycho Mike, Hines Ward and Chelsea Kane. So I give this cast 3 Que Cats:
Not bad! And of course, I’m rooting for Kirstie, because I can’t wait to see her double down ass in Maksim’s face.