Jennifer Aniston Wants Chelsea Handler To Shut It

This week’s Star Magazine cover story is about how miserable sadling Forever Aloneiston still wails out Brad Pitt’s name when she clutches her pillow tightly in her giant California King bed for one. Apparently, Jennifer is putting all the blame on her friend Chelsea Handler for the story. If Chelsea never called Angelina Jolie a “homewrecking cunt bitch” during her show this past weekend, Jennifer’s desperate face wouldn’t have been on the cover of Star Magazine. WOE IS JEN. Jen’s going to need a back transplant soon, because there won’t be anymore places for her friends to stab her!!!!!!!

One of Popeater’s sources say that Jennifer hasn’t felt this betrayed since the time John Mayer dumped her ass via an impromptu press conference. This source went on to say, “Jen has gone out of her way to keep her private feelings about that woman who stole her husband private and has always asked her friends to do the same. She is furious with Chelsea for bringing the whole situation back to life again and landing her on the cover of a weekly magazine tomorrow with a Brad headline. She hates drama or unnecessary attention and certainly doesn’t want to ever see her face on a tabloid again with a headline about Angie or Brad.”

But not all is dead between Jennifer and Chelsea. Jennifer isn’t going to stop sharing a 2-gallon tub of cookie dough ice cream with Chelsea, but hopes that she’ll keep the homewrecking Angie jokes out of her act (even though she’s been doing BMH [Before Maddox Hawk]).

Although, Jennifer might grab that tub back when she reads what Chelsea said about Angie to Katie Couric during an interview for Glamour (via UsWeekly):

“Yeah, I’m not a fan. She just doesn’t come off to me as a sincere woman. She seems like a woman that you’d really want to avoid.”

But Jennifer will quickly give the tub back, because Chelsea went on to say this about the loneliest chin in the world:

“Jennifer Aniston makes me laugh. She’s irreverent and hilarious, and she sends me really, really funny e-mails.”

Um. Chelsea, that e-mail Jennifer sent you with a picture of her dozens of cats dressed as the 12 Days of Christmas wasn’t supposed to be funny.